joyful journeys

Stepping Forward in Trust

2010-09-12T06:34:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile, I know...But, I'm thrilled to step forward once again, in trust! thank you all for your support, prayers and love - We did it!

“Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever." - Isak Dinesen

The Celtic saints had a practice of setting out in coracles, small boats without oars, in complete trust. The idea is that God's will, in the form of water currents and wind, would lead them to the "place of their resurrection." In other words, they would be led to the place God needed them to rise up and serve those who needed them most.

Can you imagine stepping in a boat without oars and settling wherever the wind and currents lead you? On top of that, can you see yourself then getting out of the boat on new shores ready to serve in God's name?

We are all faced with moments that bring us face to face with the opportunity to "get in the boat." Sometimes we feel rooted in a strength that allows us to step in without question. More often we've got one foot in and one foot out! This is a more familiar image for me. We want to get in and move forward in trust, however... WOW, that is hard!

We want to see those shores that we will land on. We want to know how long we will be in this boat. We want to be assured that the sailing will be easy. These are our human demands, and we can't help but be governed by them. Or, can we?

Faith in the journey is fostered by first taking a step forward in trust. When we imagine ourselves getting in that boat and allowing God to lead us, it doesn't mean that we always feel completely confident and assured in our decision. Rather, we step in and trust that wherever we are led, God will provide us with what we need to handle those shores. The more we practice, "getting in the boat" the more we will experience God's presence on our journey.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I felt that I had been led to some rocky shores. I would have preferred a nice, white sandy beach aside calm waters. But, there is something along the rocky shores that needs me. This is my statement of trust. This is the belief that helps me get in this boat and be led...not easy, I know. The impossible is possible!

Probably the most difficult part of this journey is the fear that accompanies new terrain. The most repeated phrase in all of scripture is “be not afraid.” I don’t think this is a coincidence. God knows that our human nature is to fear. In one of my darkest moments along my journey with cancer, I could taste fear. I remember a night when I was up unable to sleep. I stared at a picture of my husband and three children. I thought about what my doctors had told me: 4 surgeries, 16 rounds of chemo, 28 days of radiation therapy and ten years of daily medications – and that was if everything went smoothly. The fear that ran through my body paralyzed me in that moment.

I went to the computer and read messages left for me on a Caringbridge website that a friend had created for me. With each message, I felt a bit of strength piercing through the fear. Next, I went to my email to respond to some messages. As I looked through my mail, a new message showed up in my inbox. It was 2am and my friend was emailing me. I emailed her back and said, “are you really up and emailing me or is this a delayed message?” I received a message back that said, “Call me on my cell phone.” That began an hour-long conversation that lessened the fear enough for me to get some sleep.

Sometimes fear is only relieved by the presence of others. There is a reason why community is so important in this life. When we can’t find the words or the strength to help ourselves, others can hold us up until we can. My fear didn’t completely go away. In fact, living with cancer means that fear will always poke its’ head in every now and then. I can move forward in trust because I can look back and know that in previous moments when I felt fear, I was ok. In these moments, I can open myself to those around me and say, “Will you walk with me in this moment?”

Are you being asked to climb aboard today? Can you trust that God will lead you to the shores that are meant for you? Can you put both feet in the boat?

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Diving Into our Day!

2009-12-13T07:29:00.001-08:00

(image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

A couple of years ago, we took the kids for their first visit to one of my greatest inspirations: the ocean! As our friends drove us from the airport to their home, they stopped by a beach area to show the kids the massive body of water that just instantly captures your heart. The children were in awe! They left the car, ran to the ocean's edge and ran right in, clothes and all! This is one of the most vivid and joyful memories I have with my children.

As a parent, it is a great privilege to "experience" life with my children. Their total abandonment in that moment at the ocean was something I envied. As a child, I too use to run to the ocean or our hometown lake and just jump in without giving it a second thought. But, now as an adult (a reasoning adult) I feel compelled to "test" the water before entering into it. I'm not sure when this change took place, but I know that it is a part of what happens to us as we approach events in our lives as adults.

We think everything through, weigh the advantages and disadvantages, consider all the options and then (if you're like me) you make a list of possible actions. Sounds so boring and just what I thought adults were like when I was a kid. But, now I'm an adult and I'm doing these exact same things.

I'm not saying that there aren't moments that require thought and prayer before making a decision, but I think there has to be some middle place where we still allow ourselves the ability to "abandon ourselves to experiences" - "reclaim our childhood enthusiasm for life". Granted our children don't have mortgages to worry about, cars to be repaired or christmas preparations to make amidst all the other responsibilities of life. But, thank God they don't. Because their joy and openness to all that is glorious in life is more abundant with the absence of distraction. Their ability to love life is a constant reminder to me that I still have that in me too - it just takes a certain level of awareness to bring it to the surface.

During that initial trip to the ocean, I stood in the water (testing the temperature and considering whether or not to fully immerse myself) when a young woman of 20 appeared beside me. She said hello and we struck up a conversation. She asked if she could stand with me... she loved the ocean, but was nervous to go in by herself. I assured her that I would be happy to stand with her (it would give me another excuse to just stand in the water awhile longer).

As she spoke, I learned that she was working through an addiction to alcohol and came to the ocean's edge as part of her journey toward health. She said, "I don't know why, but being here makes me feel connected to something bigger than myself." That's the gift and inspiration born out of standing amidst the water!

She was learning to step back into the water, little by little, asking for help along the way. I was glad to be her support in that moment (a moment that I do not believe was coincidental, for she was support to me too!). After she said, "thank you" and walked back out of the water, I first realized that for the past 30 minutes I had stood next to this very attractive 20 year-old in a bikini, while I stood in my 38 year-old body which now required a swim dress. I giggled at the wonderful reality of myself and then dove into the water.

Sometimes we need to just dive into the water, Or, better yet, dive into our lives...giving moments thought when they really need them and then abandoning ourselves to the experiences, whether they show up on our lists or not. I didn't have that encounter with that young woman in the water on my list that day, but I gathered such inspiration and grace from that moment; in fact, I think about her quite often. I guess sometimes, the things that are not on our list are the most important events of our day!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

The Morning of...

2009-11-24T03:19:00.001-08:00

(photo compliments of Matt Major)

I sit here on the morning of my last chemotherapy treatment, with my coffee in hand (something I enjoy that has not been off limits during my treatment - little blessings!) It's early and everyone else is asleep. But, I sit here amazed that this day has arrived.

Six months ago, arriving at this day seemed like an insurmountable peak (but, I knew I would do it!)

When they told me that I had a blood clot in my lung, this day seemed quite possibly unreachable (but I knew I could do it!)

When they told me that the results of my blood work would prevent me from receiving treatment one week, this day seemed to get further away (but, I knew I would eventually reach it!)

When they told me that they thought the cancer has already spread and I waited to hear results, I forgot about this day altogether (but, I knew I would get here!)

And, although I still wait for more test results and phone calls from doctors to tell me bits and pieces of what my future may hold, I know how special this day truly is!

You see, through all of the uncertainty, there has been one constant - community! We never travel these rocky paths alone. Although I have been removed from most of my normal community throughout my treatment, I have still felt the strength of many. Through cards, messages on my caring bridge site and phone calls, the spirit of community has thrived in this time of isolation.

And at the center of my experience of community have been a group of nurses, doctors and technicians who have lined my path with hope, compassion and humor. For those who know me best, you know I spent yesterday writing more than a dozen letters to all those in the infusion room. As much as I never want to walk into that infusion room again, I will miss these "angels" that have been such a significant part of my journey to this day.

It makes me think of all those who have traveled throughout salvation history...although at times people step apart for reflection and prayer (sometimes by choice and sometimes not), they always return to community. For it is in community, that we see most clearly the manifestation of God's grace in so many varied ways.

Who in your "community" is a reflection of God's grace? Who reminds you of the importance of humor in this life? Who, with just a moment in their presence, gives you the gift of joy? Perhaps that person in your life needs to know this!

Now, for whom are YOU these things? We all have a purpose in our "community" - someone depends on YOU for a reminder of the goodness in this life! Perhaps You need to know this!

Yes, this day seemed so far away back in May. Yet, here it is and I will celebrate its' arrival; that is until I am knocked out by the chemo drugs later on this morning. But, when I come to again, I will give thanks for seeing this day arrive.

I know I will then need to look ahead to the next phase of treatment, but I will look down that road and know that I can do it!

Have a blessed day and until next time, we take a sacred pause...

I Don't Know My Own Strength!

2009-11-10T00:15:00.000-08:00

(image compliments of Matt Major)

On Sunday, I sat down with my calendar to compile a list of appointment dates since my diagnosis - I wasn't doing this just for fun,but rather as a precursor to our 2009 taxes, which will apparently also reflect my journey with cancer.

As I started to tally dr. appts, lab work, scans, testing, infusions, I realized that later today when I enter the infusion room, I will complete my 80th appt. I had to stop for a minute and take a deep breath. Unlike a supermarket contest, I don't think I will be winning a free cart of groceries when I reach 100 visits. But, I believe today I am winning a greater understanding of my own strength.

If back in May, the doctors had said, "you have breast cancer and over the next 6 months you will be going to 80 appts, scans, tests, infusions..." I could never have done it. The mountain would have seemed insurmountable. But, here I am about to walk into my 80th appointment.

I think this is the reason that our lives are not shown in fulfillment to us at the beginning; it might seem like too much to journey through. However, over the course of our lives, as we look back we see strength in ourselves that surprises us. Then, as we face new challenges we have the gift of our experiences to draw on for strength.

Whether we feel that the day with our kids has been too much; our jobs are too overwhelming or an illness is beating us down, we only have to look at all we have come through and where we have been to see that we are stronger than we think we are. We have to remind ourselves of this daily.

I have a bookmark that says, "the will of God will not lead you where the grace of God cannot keep you." I have certainly found this to be true. We have remarkable strength within us, that I think is placed in us at the time of our birth - we only to remind ourselves of this when we feel the climb of our present moment is too daunting.

You can do it! I can do it! And we know this because of where we have been and because the strength we need is resting within us. We only need to summon it to the surface of our present challenge.

Summon up your strength and believe that you are stronger than that which you face!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Falling Into My Life!

2009-10-19T03:48:00.000-07:00

(image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

I remember listening to a talk by Father Richard Rohr in which he made the statement, "Don't push the river!" That statement has resonated with me on so many occasions, but probably none more that right now.

The premise of this idea (don't push the river) is that our lives have a current all their own. I don't have the ability to change all that happens in my life, but I do have the ability to choose how I respond to that which occurs in my life. When I spend my energy trying to change that which cannot be changed, I am pushing the river. This doesn't mean that I have to sit back and do nothing in the face of challenge, but instead I have to put my energy in my response to the events and people around me.

This weekend, as I await news on more tests, I can say that I want nothing more than to "push the river." I would love to know that this cancer will be gone after the radiation next year. I would love to be assured that I will be cancer-free 10 years from now. I can't know that these statements are true, but I can live as though they are. Living as though they are true statements changes everything about how I approach my day.

In so many ways, this is about falling into my life! The reality of where I am, is where I am. Once I accept that reality, I can then look to how I am responding to the truth of my life. This can allow me to make changes within my control and affect how I choose to respond to that which is out of my control.

Some may say that amidst our challenges is not the time to fall into our lives; but, I think that the toughest of times is exactly the time to fall into our lives. When I begin to accept that where I am is where I am, I can begin the process of not letting the challenge itself define me. Instead, I can let how I respond to that challenge begin to shine light on who I am.

It's certainly easier to be at the center of God in my life, when I'm healthy and free of challenge, but I don't think it's quite as telling as trying to reside at the center with God in the midst of this challenge. So, I and all those struggling with challenge in their lives (and who among us is not challenged in some way?) can look at these moments as opportunities to fall into our lives. We can look at these moments as opportunities to challenge ourselves to look more deeply into what or who governs our choices!

I am so thankful for my faith. I'm not the best example of one who walks with God; I have my moments of walking in worry and fear; but, I see the opportunity to choose how I respond to the events around me, and in that I feel a great grace!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Living with Purpose!

2009-10-11T02:48:00.001-07:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

Yesterday I sat down with my girls and watched Disney's The Rescuers. It's a sweet movie about two tiny unassuming mice, who are commissioned to go forth and rescue a little girl in trouble. I particularly appreciated the little mouse from Hungary who always donned a matching hat and wrap! Even in the swaps of the bayou, she was looking stylish!

At the moment in the film, when the mice finally reach the little girl and tell her they are there to rescue her, my 6 year-old, Anna, said, "oh my goodness, I'm crying!" And there, on her tiny little face were a stream of tears. The funny thing was...I was crying too! We both started laughing and I said, "Oh, Anna...God gave us the gift of compassion and it just oozes out everywhere!"

I can't help the fact that I cry at every episode of America's Home Makeover or that darn Folger's coffee commercial they play every December - the one where the eldest son returns home on Christmas Eve, just in time to surprise his family! My inability to control the tears in these moments, drives me crazy and yet, I recognize that God gave me all my personality traits (the normal and the quirky), gifts and talents for a reason.

But, instead of looking at ourselves as gift, we more often look at ourselves and shake our heads. There are things about myself that drive me crazy, but I see that in many ways those things have helped serve me in the most peculiar ways. So, I don't want to overlook even the most mundane parts of myself. Everything is for purpose!

I remember talking to someone once about her child's desire to always be right. She was concerned that her daughter would go through life alienating people with her need to prove that she was always right. I too have a child that likes to be right about everything, so I understood her concern. But, I also said "What if that part of their personality was given to them for a reason and we squashed it? What if we headed them in the right direction and fostered this part of their personality in a healthy way?" Perhaps these two children will grow up to stand up for the less fortunate, for an injustice or for those who don't have a voice, because they know that it is "right!" It's all in what you do with it, that makes the difference!

I think we need to sometimes see the possibility in even that which drives us nuts about ourselves. Part of the gift of these journeys we are on, is the ability to continue to grow! We have to foster and direct ourselves in a healthy way, to a clearer understanding of the gift that we are in this life! Then we can begin to see how we are designed to serve in this life!

Don't sell yourself short too soon! God placed you in this life for purpose and you have the gifts and talents (and, yes, personality traits) to live in fullness of that purpose everyday! Go to it!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Reclaiming our Well Experiences!

2009-10-05T02:47:00.000-07:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

By nature I am a conversationalist; I love to "visit" with people. My mom used to say that she loved taking car trips with me, because I would talk the whole way and it made the trip go by that much quicker. But, even with a love for conversing, I have to always stop and ask myself if I'm really listening to the people around me.

I think the pace of our lives adds to the difficulty we face in really listening to those around us. I don't mean just hearing the words coming out of another's mouth, although that's an important part of it. But, rather, I mean really listening to what the spirit of another is saying to us.

When we are left to e-mail short messages or make quick calls on our cell phones, we recognize that our lives are often pulling us along and it can be difficult to really enter into the meaning that is shared around us. I got laughing the other day when a friend talked about eating pizza in the car while the kids changed into practice clothes for a soccer game. I laughed because we've all been there in some way or another. So what can we do? I like to start by asking myself an important question:

How well am I "tapped into" those around me? What can I better understand about their words, when I consider the layers underneath those words? When someone in my life is speaking to me, am I really present to them or am I looking at them while my mind rests someplace else? There is such opportunity to grow spiritually when we open ourselves up to those around us.

I like to call them "Well Experiences!" Historically women would gather at the well, and it was here where they would learn about the needs, experiences, joys and sorrows of the families around them. It's hard for us to grasp these "well experiences" in our busy lives. But, it's not impossible.

Let's try a little experiment: spend one day putting aside what we feel we "have to do" and remain open to the people we come across on the street, in the store, at school or at home. Now, of course there are things we need to do; our kids need to be fed, dressed and taken to activities; we need to get to work and think about dinner. But, even with all the necessary responsibility, there is still time to "go with the flow" a little bit. Listen to the people who are speaking around you, and consider how those moments can enrich your life.

The majority of time, it has nothing to do with the actual words that are used, but rather the honesty with which our words are delivered.

Since my illness, many people have commented that it's hard to know what to say. I agree, it is hard to know what to say to these challenges. Sometimes moments or experiences seem to transcend words that we are usually comfortable using; but, it matters less "what is said" and more that an emotion is shared. So, just in saying, "I don't know what to say," the most important words are spoken - because they are honest.

Probably one of the greatest gifts of this cancer is the opportunity to stop and really hear the words of the people around me. It's a fascinating moment when a "talker" begins to really listen. What I hear on a daily basis fills me with the kind of inspiration and joy that can even lift one out of a very dark moment in time.

Although my walk with cancer has gifted me with a growth in this awareness, one does not have to have cancer to begin the process of embracing the "well experiences" of his or her day. One only has to make a choice to stop, listen and respond in hope and honesty to those whose paths cross their own.

What will your next "well experience" be like? Will you recognize it?

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Finding the Words!

2009-09-04T01:49:00.000-07:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

We were sitting having dinner when all of a sudden my 9 year-old says, "Mom, why did cancer even start?"

My reasoning mind wants to explain that there is this gene in our family that has been passed down, and that this gene led me to have cancer. But, that's scary for a child - I know he will begin to wonder, "do I have this gene?" He doesn't need to worry about this now. I could make something up, but I'm too tired to think of anything good right now.

We live in a "need to know culture". We are so smart these days and have so many resources that we know just about everything about everything. We are big fans of the show MythBusters and even we love to know for sure whether something is real or not. But, there are still some things that we will never fully understand, and I think that's OK. Not that trying to understand something isn't important.

Sometimes I think it's the journey toward understanding, that can bring us the greatest joy in that little thing called faith. I am thankful that the efforts made in the treatment of cancer have advanced so far that I have the best chance possible right now to beat this thing. But, I can't explain to my 9 year-old why I have it. But, maybe that's OK.

I could drive myself crazy with the question "why?" Or, I can bring myself closer to God with the response, "OK! Where do we go from here?" Whenever I can't fully explain something, I think about God - do I think that's a coincidence? Not really? I think that as much as we may know right now, it's that which we don't understand that reminds us of our need to have faith. A full understanding might not be seen right now, but I can trust that God is somewhere in the thick of it.

Someone recently made the comment that no two blades of grass are the same - I didn't know that. I had never given it any thought - I wonder if the Mythbusters could do a show on that? But, wow! Think about that for a minute (or a lifetime). Why would this be? I don't know and probably will never know, but it's pretty amazing. There must be a reason somewhere in God's grand design. I don't get it right now, but it leaves me in awe of His purpose for every part of Creation.

You would think, with as busy as God was while creating the Universe, it would have been easier to make all the grass the same, but he didn't. I can't explain why, but when I think about it, it makes me smile because it's just so awesome.

So, I'm sitting across the table from my 9 year-old son, and wondering what's the best way to answer his question, and I say, "Honey, I just don't know. But, thank God we have our faith to lead us through it." He nodded and went back to eating his dinner. I guess that was enough for him, for now.

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Running Late!

2009-08-26T05:16:00.000-07:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

So, the experience of today has finally caught up with me. Certainly I have had my emotional breakdowns and my moments of frustration, but none have struck me like the experience I had yesterday...I was late for my chemo infusion. I know, in light of everything, this sounds ridiculous - But, this is me...

For those who know me well, I take great pride in my calendar; it is neat, organized, and reflective of a person who has some unnatural needs to be organized with my activities and schedules. I am also the person, who in college, would take notes in class and then return to my dorm to re-write all my notes over again in new notebooks - just so that they were perfectly neat. One of the "normal" experiences since my diagnosis has been my daily review of my very busy calendar.

My calendar today shows my doctor's appts, infusion dates, testing appts and all the various arrangements for the children: the girls in one direction and our son in another. I've had so many people offer to help with this part of the process, but it's the one thing that makes me feel like myself. And, up until now I've take great pride in the fact that everything has moved along rather smoothly, in an otherwise chaotic experience. That is until yesterday...

As we dropped the kids off at two different locations, and headed into my infusion, I ran through the day once more in my mind..."yes! everything is in place" Then, as I checked in at the oncology center promptly at 9:30am, the receptionist looked at me and said "we had you down for an 8:45am infusion". What! how could this be? She was so nice and said, "not to worry. I will just call upstairs and get them ready for you."

Again, I'm thinking "How could this be?" Knowing me well enough, Matt grabs my arm and says, "It's not a problem; don't worry about it" But, that's like telling a writer to not worry about a grammatical error or misspelled word in their work. I'm never late! I'm always on time! My highly, very neat, calendar always ensures that.

As the nurse readied me for my infusion: asking all the questions, inserting the line in my port, etc...I began to cry. In great kindness, the nurse reminded me that each time is stressful and that it's an anxious experience to come in for these infusions. I agreed with what she was saying, but I couldn't tell her that I was actually crying because I was late to the appointment. That would give her too much insight into my neurosis.

But, there I was face to face with that dreaded thought: my humanity. I have a lot going on, and even with all the planning and organizing, things don't always go according to plan.

Oh, what a lesson for life! We can do our best, feeling that all our bases are covered and than we find that we can't be completely in control, nor should we want to be. This little moment yesterday, gave me a lot to reflect on. So often we are looking for a great book, retreat, or spiritual talk to help lead us to a better understanding of ourselves. But, sometimes it is our daily reflections that show us the greatest opportunities in which to grow and become more closely connected with our spiritual energy.

Whenever I have moments like this, it reminds me that I need to still hand a little more over to God, Now, certainly God can't arrange childcare for my children (however, that has all gone along so smoothly, that I can't help but think that his hand is in that), but God can certainly help me better see the moments where I need to let go a little bit more.

Will this keep me from trying to keep my calendar organized and neat - probably not? But, I also want to make sure that I leave open places for God to interject his wisdom and guidance, which so often comes in the form of an unexpected phone call or visit from a friend. God is always presenting us with moments of grace, we just need to be open to them (and realize that they are rarely listed on our calendars).

Even in the midst of our really crazy, busy lives, we can find moments to put our pens and calendars down and look around. Out there...there are people, places and experiences that can grace our lives with inspiration!

What is on your "calendar"? In other words, what takes so much of your focus that you find it hard to slow down? Perhaps today, we can all decide to take a moment and change things up a bit for the purpose of slowing down and exploring the grace that abounds around us.

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Back in the Boat

2009-08-18T03:00:00.000-07:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

I've written before about "getting in the boat." A group of women that I have the privilege of ministering to have often heard me talk about the trust that it takes to step on board. Oh, here we find ourselves back at that word, "trust."

The Celtic saints had a practice of setting out in coracles, small boats without oars, in complete trust. The idea is that God's will, in the form of water currents and wind, would lead them to the
"place of their resurrection." In other words, they would be led to the place God needed them to rise up and serve those who needed them most.

Can you imagine stepping in a boat without oars and settling wherever the wind and currents lead you? On top of that, can you see yourself then getting out of the boat on new shores ready to serve in God's name? Oh, back to the word "trust!" Did I already say this?

We are all faced with moment that bring us face to face with the opportunity to "get in the boat." Sometimes we feel rooted in a strength that allows us to step in without question. But, more often we've got one foot in and one foot out! This is a more familiar image for me. We want to get in and move forward in trust, but... WOW, that is so hard.

We want to see those shores that we will land on. We want to know how long we will be in this boat. We want to be assured that the sailing will be easy. These are our human demands, and we can't help but be governed by them. Or, can we?

Faith in the journey is fostered by first taking a step forward in trust. When we imagine ourselves getting in that boat and allowing God to lead us, it doesn't mean that we always feel completely confident and assured in our decision. But, rather, we step in and trust that wherever we are led, God will provide us with what we need to handle those shores. The more we practice, "getting in the boat" the more we will experience God's presence on our journey.

I've been led to some rocky shores lately. I would have preferred a nice, white sandy beach aside calm waters. But, there is something along the rocky shores that needs me. This is my statement of trust. This is the belief that helps me get in this boat and be led...not easy, I know. But, it is possible!

Are you being asked to climb aboard today? Can you trust that God will lead you to the shores that are meant for you? Can you put both feet in the boat?

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Letting Go!

2009-08-13T18:03:00.000-07:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

Those of you who know me well, know that I love my schedule! When I was teaching, my favorite part of the year was getting all my supplies and filling in my calendar for the year. I loved planning my lessons and structuring my classes. I just love to be organized in my tasks. My family wishes I felt that way about my house, but we can't be good at everything now can we?

The closest I get to organizing now is filling in my datebook with my daily doctor's appointments and figuring out where the children will be from day to day. It's a little job in and of itself. But, it gives me a taste of that organization that I love so much.

So, here's the part where I need to just let go...Cancer is not the type of experience that makes you feel the least bit in control. Instead you feel at the mercy of others. There are so few moments to truly make choices, because most are made for you. The best I can do is choose what I will wear to chemo each day. A simple task, but I think my efforts are paying off because I receive nice compliments as I enter the infusion room each day!

What is God saying to me in the midst of all of this? I think he is saying "Let Go!" Let go of the expectations you have for the summer, for the start of school, for the way you think things should be going right now. I think God is, instead, saying let the moments unfold and let me create a new expectation for you: to just be in the midst of this struggle. So, the children's closets may not be organized before school starts; I may not be able to do all the things I like to do in preparation for a new school year. But, I am here!

I am fighting this disease, and moving forward with each challenge - this is a big lesson for me! When I could easily feel defeated, I remember that I have survived 3 months of chaos. And, that those 3 months of chaos have been lined with unbelievable grace and daily reminders of God's presence in my life!

Most importantly, I have survived the last 3 months without my calendar, without my schedules and without all my predetermined ideas about how things should be from day to day. I guess, I am learning that I need to hand myself over to God just a little bit more. I feel that each time I allow someone to do something for me, I am in many ways handing myself over to God, and saying: "I'm letting go!"

This is such a hard part of our human existence, but so necessary as we journey along our paths of faith. I have to begin each day with that prayer: "Let me be open to your will today!"

How do you feel about beginning your day with this prayer? Do you ever feel called by God to let go of some of your expectations and to just "be" in the moments of your day?

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

The Pail or the Water?

2009-08-06T17:39:00.000-07:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

When I was 3, we traveled to Florida to visit my grandparents...

I recall the trip to a Target-like store, to choose a new bright red sand pail; I loved that pail! We packed our belongings and headed to the beach. As my parents watched, I played joyfully in the shallow water, filling and emptying my pail again and again, and again!

As the story goes...all of a sudden my dad saw a large wave rise up behind me, and in a moment - I was gone! My dad rushed to the water's edge and dove into the surf. As the water settled, there I stood...crying! My dad's heart was beating fast at the danger of that large wave on my three-year-old body; I was sobbing because I had lost my brand new pail.

Oh, to worry more about the pail than the water! In so many ways, this is the perfect metaphor for my current experience. At times I wish I could worry more about the hair loss, the nausea, the exhaustion...but, it is the cancer itself that feels like that giant wave approaching me, ready to carry me out to sea.

But, then there is God...not above or below the "water", but within it! So, as I feel at times as though that giant wave is coming, I know deep in my soul that God is in fact in that wave too. So, there is nothing to fear.

I don't think you need to have a serious illness to grapple with those fearful waves that creep up on us. They are the large life forces that knock us off our feet...sometimes it is our children, our finances, our jobs, our relationships, even our spirituality...there are so many experiences that can lead us to feel consumed by fear. But, we need to continually remind ourselves that God is within everything.

I know that doesn't eliminate our feelings of fear, but that knowledge can often helps us remember that we can stand up within the wave and be alright! Whenever I have a feeling of fear that creeps up, I try to remember the past times that I have felt fearful and how I "survived" it. Drawing on that past experience can give me strength in this current moment.

What is your "wave" today? Remember, that God is with you!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

A New Path!

2009-08-05T10:36:00.000-07:00

I wasn't expecting to begin writing again in the midst of my walk with cancer. But, I don't think we can ever truly know when God will see fit to inspire us to weave together our words. Apparently, this is my time to begin to do that...

I took a break from this blog because, as many of you know, on May 15th I was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer. My dear friend Shelly left a post below that gives a link to the caring bridge page that my husband is maintaining. I know that will continue to be the avenue through which people can stay up-to-date on my physical journey.

My hope is that this may be a place for people to stay up-to-date on my spiritual journey. This process may be more for me than anyone else, but I have always believed that when I feel inspired to write...it is... in many ways, God's way of teaching me something...and...when we hold inspiration, it should always be shared.

I know that this journey I am on is frightening, frustrating and unsettling. So, it might seem funny to say I feel abundantly blessed. But, I do! We have been surrounded by a kindness that transcends any previous understanding of the word.

I think in our "ordinary" days, we see glimpses of the sacred gifts in our lives.

But, we have truly been enveloped in sacred gifts from the moment we heard. I have been "held" in so many ways by sacred words and gestures. At times I truly feel carried along by the stream of prayers and support that seem to extend me beyond this moment in time. I've had my moments, not so much of anger (I'm not so prone to that emotion), but rather to worry and tears (I've mastered these!).

As I began chemotherapy, I knew that the two concerns would be the side effects of the drugs (the possibility of dehydration and fever.) I've had them both, and as I have sat in desert moments physically and emotionally these past few weeks, I still have felt the grace of God. But, the only reason I have felt that is because of the presence of people around me, and their willingness to walk with me in this time.

I think this is the greatest lesson of all experiences: When we open ourselves up to those around us and share our stories, the sacred flourishes!

The community that I live in is amazing. But, I believe that every community has the possibility of being as amazing as mine. The key is sharing in the journeys of those around you. When we sit idle, we run the risk of stalling the sacred.

Of course when someone has a serious illness there is a natural impulse to want to do something. But, in every experience of our lives, we can be called to do something, to share something, to want to be a "part of something", rather than separate from it. What is it in your life that is calling you to be a part of it?

Sometimes we think it has to be a grand gesture, but it doesn't...the simplest action can often breed the most profound emotions.

Be a part of your day today!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

a blog break...

2009-05-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

Susan will be taking what we all hope is a very short blog break while she tends to her health, herself and her family. Please keep her in your prayers & thoughts. In the meantime... please visit Susan's care page for updates on her health and recovery...

and be sure to leave her a note of well wishes!

Transformative Breath!

2009-05-06T08:27:00.000-07:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

I remember once reading about an astronaut’s view of Earth from Space...

As he viewed the Earth from his unique vantage point, the astronaut was able to cover the earth with his thumb. In that moment his perspective was changed. This big, glorious planet was covered by his thumb. His view went from “me” to “the universe.” As he took breath, he realized that every breath was purposeful for not just himself, but everyone around him. Sometimes we need a shift in our perspective in order to recognize that our lives are less about the individual and more about the community as a whole.

Everything that I do and say has a consequence for the whole of my community. It is for this reason that I need to think of myself as someone in a constant state of transformation. I have to trust that my breath can be transformative, if I allow it to be.

St. Paul’s breath was transformative breath. He took his experience and allowed it to change the course of life around him; we are still feeling the affects of that choice today.

We so often only grasp a glimpse of a new experience. We may feel that the experience is amazing and it makes us feel renewed or affirmed. But, does it change us in any way? We breathe not to remain the same, but to transform ourselves into who we are in the name of God. If I learn something about myself through moments with a spiritual director or soul friend, does my life change at all because of it? Or, do I fall into the trap of comfortable mediocrity?

What would our experiences in faith be like today if Paul had not allowed his breath to transform his life? If he had said, “I realize the error in my ways and I will spend the rest of days in solitude weeping for the mistakes I have made,” where would those who benefited from Paul’s transformative breath have gone? This is what happens when we think that nothing can change, or that we don’t have purpose in this life.

When we invite breath in and release it with a willingness to change what that breath will do for us in the next moment, that breath becomes nourishment for others. That breath reflects God’s will which is always infectious! Paul was spiritually required to do something with his new breath, and we must do something with our new breath!

As we continue on with our faith journeys, let us hope that each life-giving experience leaves a mark of inspiration that can motivate us forward and be shared with all those who cross our paths.

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

What are you Preparing for?

2009-04-12T17:14:00.000-07:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

I need to apologize for not updating this blog as quickly as I would have liked to. This has been a challenging 6 weeks. But, with all challenges comes a sense of determination and persepective. I'm pleased to share my insights with you in this post.....

Finding our place in this life can make us feel as though we are training for the Olympics: we need to focus all our attention on our training, hire a couple of coaches, watch review tapes of our performance, check out our competition and continually ask ourselves, “is this worth it?”

When we work to live as, what Thomas Merton would call our “true self”, it does require a certain amount of attention and dedication; but, ultimately our efforts are less work than trying to live as someone we are not. Living authentically is not about living perfectly, but it is about living with purpose and in direct line with our deepest beliefs and joys.

So, to begin: what are your deepest beliefs and joys? When you define your beliefs, are they reflected in your daily living? If so, how will you maintain that path? If there is a conflict between what you believe and your daily words and actions, what is the first step to aligning these two things?

One of the stories from scripture that I sit with the most is the story of Moses. We know the general story of a baby in a basket, being rescued by a princess and ultimately being led back to his people, whom he was destined to lead out of slavery. But, at the heart of this sacred story is a message about living an authentic life.

For quite some time Moses was separated from his “true path”; it didn’t mean that he was miserable in his life. In fact, he had a pretty comfortable existence in that palace. But what we sense from his story is an underlining need to head down a path that, at his very core, felt like the place God wanted him to be.

Moses is called out of the place he is and is invited back to his true self; the person God created him to be. Now, you would think that an invitation from God like this would summon up great courage in Moses; instead, Moses gave five hearty excuses for staying where he was. However, the call of God was so strong in him that he could not help but follow the path that was placed before him.

What is interesting, I think, about this path that God has designed for us, is that it is ever-changing. When I was teaching high school students how to write and understand literature better, I felt very much in the place God had prepared for me. However, after I had my first child, I felt that a very different direction had revealed itself to me. I don’t think that these were, in fact, two different paths; I think they were steps leading me to another place. Our challenge is being open to the possibilities God places around us!

For Moses, his time within the walls of the Pharaoh’s palace are not unlike my time in teaching, or your time now: these are steps along our journeys of faith. They have purpose, and they are significant in the “waiting” we do along our journeys of faith. Interestingly enough, I don’t think that waiting is a passive experience. I think that as we wait along our paths of faith, we are actively embracing those moments.

As we do this, we are being prepared for the moments when we open up to the possibilities around us and, only then, can we be ready to enter into the fullness of our authentic life. It takes a lot of trust to “wait” in our faith journeys. But, in many ways we are like Moses whose time with the Pharaoh was a time of waiting… of preparing.

What are you preparing for? How do you wait?

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Sacred Gifts!

2009-03-05T11:12:00.000-08:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

When we begin to think about our purpose in God’s world, we are often overwhelmed!

“Am I living out God’s will in my life?”

“What if I miss a sign from God?”

“Am I too late?” The questions, oh the questions!

I often think that when I struggle with something, on the other side of that struggle is God saying, “Hang on, Susan….there’s a lesson and purpose in the midst of this, and growth on the other side of this moment.” But, believing that God is saying this to me and living out of this belief are two completely different things.

The sacred purpose of our lives is never simple. What I think we would like is for God to install a PA (public address) System in the Universe; something that would sound off at just the right moment to tell us that, “Yes! This is the next step you should take.”

But, God is rarely found in the obvious, and I think there is a reason for this. For it is in the subtle movements of life, that we often find the greatest of God’s inspiration.

The subtle experiences of our life often are the things we pass over (or fight against), but that hold such significance for us on our journeys of faith. At the heart of these subtleties are our own Sacred Gifts. How often do we ignore our ability to comfort a friend, or listen without judgment? Do you find internal joy when you draw, paint, sing, garden, or dance? Do you feel giddy when you organize a room or an activity? These may seem so menial, but they are in fact at the heart of God’s message to us.

You see, I believe that in God’s grand design, he created us with amazing traits, talents and abilities to help us experience joy in this life. When I talk about Sacred Gifts, I’m not necessarily talking about mere physical talent. For example, someone could be an extraordinary tennis player or gymnast. But, if that doesn’t bring that individual joy, I have a hard time naming it as a Sacred Gift.

It may have been an interest that a parent or friend fostered in the life of that individual; but, a Sacred Gift is something that is given to us with the intent of bringing us joy. If we don’t know what those are, we need to start exploring them.

Begin with a list...what are the talents, traits and abilities that bring you joy? Remember, it's not about being "great" at something, it's about identifying the things that naturally bring us joy.

Among this list, ask yourself: what are the experiences, places and people that help you best honor these Sacred Gifts?

Today, choose to honor your Sacred Gifts in some small way. If I have the gift of compassion, choose to cuddle with your children or spouse tonight. If you have the gift of hospitality, prepare the space in which you sleep with something beautiful and inspiring.

How you define your Sacred Gifts is up to you. But, begin to define them - your life is waiting!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

The Pace of our Words!

2009-02-16T05:42:00.000-08:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

We hear so much about the pace of our lives: the incredible need to slow down and enjoy the grace around us.

It may seem as though slowing down is a romantic idea, only realized in an oceanfront villa amidst sun and surf. But, the ability we have to slow ourselves down is very tangible here and now, amidst the snow and cold (and least as it is here, in Upstate New York!)

Thich Nhat Hahn said once, that what we do with the pace of our lives is “print sorrow and anxiety on the earth.” What a profound thought. How I walk through my life says a lot about the affect I have on the situations around me.

In so many aspects of our lives, we can make choices for slower movement (the kind of movement that allows you to truly see and hear what is happening around you: perhaps the door that you have been waiting for, or the message that inspires you to take another step forward.) But, as we run…it becomes challenging to notice these gifts of God.

But, what happens when the responsibilities of my life require me to move briskly? What if the reality of where I am in my life, summons me to move about quickly to attend to the very real needs of my day?

In these moments, I can focus my attention on the pace of my words. We have become so comfortable with our words, saying things, I think, without even giving it a second thought. We talk so quickly, our e-mails are coded to be quickly deciphered, and our advice to ourselves or others is quickly dispersed, so that we can get onto the next moment.

But, slow down!

Think for a minute about what your words say about you, the life you live and what you believe to be of value in the world. Ask yourself: Do my words represent me well? Does my tone create an underscore of peace and gentleness in my life? Do I react to situations in my life so quickly that my words take on a life outside of “who I am”?

I try to teach my children that their words have value, both in what the say and how they say it. In just a moment when words are spoken sincerely and peacefully, a person can be transformed. It’s a powerful tool in our lives that I think we so often overlook.

So speak, peacefully, generously, joyfully, and sincerely! Your words have important work to do today; Enjoy!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause…

Choosing Peace!

2009-02-05T17:06:00.000-08:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

There is so much anxiety in the world today! I just returned from sharing with a group of women, who gather monthly at a local retreat house. Our discussion surrounded how much anxiety fills the air around us these days.

A friend of mine once expressed to me her great worries. She had prepared for so many possibilities, but still worried about all the other things that might happen. She worried about her children, her spouse, her job, and the list went on and on. In many ways, her anxiety paralyzed her.

I told her this story…

When my husband and I were first married, we had season tickets to a local AHL hockey team. I used to be very nervous driving into these games, because of the ever-changing winter weather in Central New York.

Prior to games, I would try to gather information about the weather and plan the safest route, time to leave, etc. One night we went into a game and settled into our seats. My husband watched the players intently, wondering who might rise up as a big star that night. I, on the other hand, contemplated what kind of snack I might have that night (I think you can tell who drove our interest in hockey.)

Well, as the game progressed I suddenly noticed that there were a lot of people looking our way, and in the next second I felt the worst pain I had ever experienced (these of course were years prior to giving birth). The cause of this arena attention and intense pain: I had been hit in the jaw with a hockey puck. The medical team swooped in to care for my injury. My husband consistently apologized for not catching the puck!

The point…We can plan for every scenario in the world, and then – we get hit in the face with a hockey puck! Or, in other words, the thing we couldn’t ever imagine happens.

When we feel anxious, we have to starve our anxiousness with uplifting experiences. If you know that a certain person, situation or experience will promote your anxiety, then choose the opposite. Next, ask yourself this, “what is the reality of my anxiety?”

So often, what we feel anxious about is not a reality – it is a possibility. In these moments, we need to “Let Go and Let God!” An easier thing to say than do, I know. But, the more we practice this, the more we starve the unnecessary anxiousness that can line our paths, and prepare ourselves to choose peace!

Until next time, we take a sacred (peaceful) pause…

The Layers of Our Lives!

2009-01-22T06:29:00.000-08:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

This past week, my grandmother passed away...

I’ve had the great privilege of being immersed in her life, and having her entrenched in mine for many years. She was 92 and up until a month ago, she was driving, playing my children on the floor and offering to babysit if I had anything I needed to go do by myself. She was an amazing woman and is now an even more amazing spirit.

A few weeks ago, as her health was diminishing, I sat with her on a Friday evening going through a photo album of her life. There was so much that I did not know about the layers of my grandmother’s life until that night: the experiences, the places she lived, and the many offers of marriage (Go, Gram!) We laughed together over pictures of her putting on shows for her family, and marveled at the stories of my great-grandfather who worked for Thomas Edison.

So much to learn from the people in our lives, but I fear so often that the layers of our lives are being lost and, therefore, forgotten.

What of your heritage, your family story, do you know or share? There are parts of our story that may be difficult and parts that are joyful to remember. But, all parts help make up who we are. Granted there may be layers of our story that we would rather forget. But, so much of what has formed the foundation of our lives is meant to teach us a little more about who we are in this unique and diversified world.

Even if you are not a writer, jotting down quick stories or dates with titles can often leave those that come after us a glimpse into the layers of their lives. For Father’s Day one year, I gave my husband a journal, in which to jot down stories or ideas he wanted our son to know. I fear that there may have been a long break in entries, but the book has something written in it, and I think that we all need to have a book like this.

We all need a place to jot down the little miracles, the little lessons, the little things that have made us laugh. All of these little entries can have a huge impact someday in the lives of our children and family members. But, they also help us remember the grace in our life, even amidst the chaos. Let me share with you an example…

By 10:00am this morning, I felt like I had already lived a 14 hour day. Up for hours last night with my 5 year-old; entered debate over the appropriate amount of syrup on a waffle; shared lessons with my 9 year-old on why it is hygienic to wear socks with your boots, and worked to convince my three year-old that “beary” would be fine in the washing machine and ultimately much happier when he smells better.

In other words, a hectic morning…But, there, I’ve written it down and as I write it down, it makes me laugh and I am reminded that in the midst of the craziness, things are o.k. Hopefully that small bit of sharing will someday give my kids a deeper understanding of the layers of their lives.

(Oh, and kids…today when I came downstairs, your dad had made me coffee, and placed a coffee cup on a napkin in front of the coffee maker. He had prepared something for me at the beginning of my crazy day! Someday, you will know how grace-filled a small act like this is!)

What are the layers of your life that you want to share?

Nourishing Our Souls!

2009-01-13T11:08:00.000-08:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

Recently, I was asked by my friend Laura Ponticello of Laura's List to write about three ways I nourish my body, mind and spirit. You can visit her site at www.lauraslistbooksforwomen.blogspot.com. But, I'm happy to share my thoughts with you here as well...

For me, nourishing my mind, body and spirit is all about, what I like to call, the 3 “P’s”: Pace, Perspective & Prayer.

To begin, I ask myself what has the pace of my life been like recently? There are many reasons to rush about; but, often, I create a busy way out of no way! So, I ask myself to commit to a slower pace in my day, both through my words and actions. It’s amazing how much more I can hear and see in life when my pace is honoring the reality of my life.

Secondly, I always take time to grow in awareness of my perspective. My question here is, “Am I speaking and acting out of a worldly perspective or a Godly perspective?” In other words, how much do I let the things of the world govern my daily choices, and how much do I let God lead me in how I view the events and people in my life? Remember it’s God that has the reality of our lives. Most of our effort in life is all about working to get back into that reality: it’s the journey of our soul!

Last, but most importantly, I pray! Prayer is the nourishment that allows me to begin to honestly ask myself the questions about the pace and perspective in my life. Taking time to honestly and faithfully open myself up to God in prayer is the greatest gift I give to myself and God. My prayer isn’t “perfect” or “eloquent.” My prayer is simply honest. For, it’s in the act of honest prayer that my mind, body and spirit are truly nourished.

How do you nourish your body, mind and spirit?

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Skipping Stones!

2009-01-03T16:07:00.000-08:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

Our spiritual health has, in many ways, taken a backseat to the other areas of our lives. We rightly focus on our physical, emotional, psychological and financial needs as we make choices for our personal development. But, at the root of all of these needs are our spiritual needs.

When we care for these needs, we begin to uncover a perspective that gives all the facets of our existence new life. This journey is one way we can begin to nourish our soul and exercise our spiritual muscles!

I remember as a young girl first learning to skip stones at the lake…

First you searched for just the right stone; it had to be flat and a “good feel” in your hands. Then came the positioning: twisting your wrist in such a way that the stone would be moved to hit the water at just the right angle, and then…if you had done it just right…pure bliss for that stone.

Watching it skim across the surface of the lake, the stone navigates small waves coming from boats and yet still it continues on. You stand on the shore counting, one, two, three, four….How many times will it skip before it dives into the water?

I often feel like that skipping stone, only I am responsible for sending myself off across the water. I have to be in just the right place and just the right frame of mind to propel myself forward. If I’m successful, I will skim the busy, hectic part of life and be caught up in the mystical and amazing breeze of God; and when I finally plunge into the water, it will not be because I have grown too weak to stay on top, but rather because I am ready…ready to fully enter into God’s current. It is here where my perspective is clear and my heart is open!

We can only be spiritually fed when we allow the inspiration of God to permeate us. That is, when people or situations inspire us, we need to let that inspiration take hold in our lives and transform the moment we are in.

Only then can we begin to see one another in a more compassionate light, recognize the presence of God more clearly in our daily lives, and feel inspired to take one step more in trust, along our journeys of faith.

What has been your inspiration today?

Until next time, we take a sacred pause…

Today I Lost It!

2009-01-01T16:06:00.000-08:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

It’s been an overwhelming month – one of time spent in the service of others; one spent immersed in my family’s needs; one spent preparing others for the Christmas season. Do you sense a pattern here – somewhere, I lost myself.

It takes a lot of courage for me to admit that this, but it is the honesty of my nature that leads me to say it.

I think that all of us suffer from the holiday “fall-out.” We plan and plan and plan, make lists, anticipate the reactions of family members to gifts we have carefully chosen, create holiday moments for our families, and we make meals – many, many, many meals!

Of course our joy is always wrapped up in what we can offer others. But, at times, we do need to step back, which is what I did today. I took a moment and cried. I cried for the exhaustion I felt; I cried for the imperfection that surrounded my efforts to serve others perfectly, and I cried to cleanse myself of all the responsibility that had built up upon my shoulders.

It’s hard when you love your friends and family so much! It’s the intensity of the love that makes us feel SO MUCH, in relationship to everything that involves them. It’s not all bad to love people that much! It just takes a bit of managing to keep it all together when our plates are so full.

So, we take deep breaths! We remember, as I do daily, of special blessings that have come in the form of anonymous gifts in the mail, beautifully wrapped packages left on my doorstep and a family who, despite all our imperfections, is destined to do God’s work in this life!

When we feel the weight of our lives, it is helpful to take a moment and honor our feelings. I remember a beautiful sister of St. Joseph once saying to me that when she felt down, she played Cello music. I remember thinking. “Cello music? How could you listen to something so depressing when you feel so down?” What she taught was that by honoring our feelings, instead of hiding them, we allow ourselves to move through them (rather than covering them up!)

Perhaps this is my effort to move through them. I think this blog may have been more for my own good than anyone else’s, but I hope that there is something in the message that supports all of you in your journeys of faith.

Until next time, we take a sacred pause…

A New Step Forward!

2008-12-30T08:08:00.000-08:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

It can often feel as though we are constantly taking steps backwards. This can be an especially poignant feeling in this week when we prepare to summon in a New Year!

But, remember that with every step we take backwards, we should remind ourselves and others that it is an opportunity, not for guilt, but for a new beginning. When our steps move us back on our faith journey, I like to think of those moments as reminders for renewal.

A key to help us unlock the mystery of moving forward in trust was offered to us by St. Francis of Assisi. What we learn from this simple man, whose grace-filled message has reached into the lives of people from many different spiritual traditions, was this:

At the heart of everything is the Gospel, and at the heart of the Gospel is hope!

At the beginning of this New Year, we need a reminder of HOPE! It’s the energy that comes from living with a sense of hope that can motivate us forward. But, as we look toward the future, we need to remind ourselves of the need to put our words into action.

When we welcome in a new beginning in our spiritual lives, we can often find ourselves talking more about the change we want to see, rather than taking action toward making that change a reality. These famous words of St. Francis are words of wisdom for us:

“Go forth and preach the Gospel, use words if necessary”

Whether we are spreading the message of the Gospel, or trying to decide what step to take in our everyday life, we need to remember that more can be done through actions than words. Anyone can talk, but it takes a person of courage to act!

Part of our struggle with this is wrapped up in our ability to play back the failings in our minds again and again. When we think about beginning a new year or a new phase in our life, we certainly apply the lessons we have learned from our mistakes. But, becoming consumed with those lessons can hinder our efforts to move forward.

God simply asks us to recognize when we have stepped back, and then make a commitment to begin anew. Think of the steps forward and backwards that St. Peter took:

Stepping Forward:

Peter said to him in reply, “Though all may have their faith in you shaken, mine will never be.” (Matthew 26:33)

Stepping Backward:

Now Peter was sitting outside in the courtyard. One of the maids came over to him and said, “You too were with Jesus the Galilean.” But he denied it in front of everyone, saying, “I do not know what you are talking about!” (Matthew 27:69)

Imagine what Peter’s life would have been if he had simply retreated along a path of guilt and remorse. What would his life mean for us today if he had not recommitted himself to a new beginning?

In our spiritual journeys there is always the promise of a new beginning. There is always the promise of new soil to walk upon. There is always the promise of the strength to take another step.

Are you willing to take yet another step forward?

Many Blessings to All of You, and Happy New Year!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause…

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-17T16:23:00.000-08:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

This is a magical season, and yet even in the midst of the joy, many can feel the weight of loss, worry, or fear. The season doesn't erase the reality of our lives, but it can in many ways be a reminder of that which is greater than all of us - God.

Whatever your reality is at this point, I pray that your experience of Christmas will offer you a glimpse of joy, an experience of laughter and a moment to pause in thanksgiving for all that brings your life meaning.

In honor of all those who take a moment to pause here:

My Christmas Wish For You:

That your spirit stays lifted, in the midst of the imperfection of life…

That your heart is settled with the reality around you…

That your ability to trust in goodness is restored…

That your compassion is revealed in your thoughts, words and deeds…

That your mind is filled with the hope that God has for you today and always…

That your memories of those who are absent will remind you of God’s presence in this life…

That your time spent in these days will be a reflection of the peace of God…

That your laughter will reach everyone around you…

&

Finally, that your breath will carry words of inspiration and joy to all those along your path.

Merry Christmas and God Bless!

In joy,

Susan

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

What is Your Story?

2008-12-15T07:28:00.000-08:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

As it is for many, this is a busy month for me. So busy, in fact, that on Friday I realized I needed to get going on my Christmas preparations at home. A good plan, I thought, was to get up at the crack of dawn on Saturday to go Christmas shopping, taking advantage of the great extended shopping hours at various retailers. I went to bed early on Friday night, and felt a twinge of excitement at the prospect of shopping by myself, choosing gifts for my family.

At 2:30am that morning, I awoke to a sound that is all too familiar to a mom. My 3 year-old stood in our hallway – sick! I wasn’t sure how long this was going to last, but what I did know was that I was not going Christmas shopping that morning.

As we’ve shared before, we can’t always predict how the tides around us will shift and affect our schedules and plans. But, how we react to these shifts says a lot about “our story”…

I have had the great grace of spending some amazing time with my grandmother recently, and in that time I have had a better sense of “her story.” She has 92 years of lines written for her story, and it’s a blessing to hear it straight from her. This is time that has reminded me of the stories of many women in my life.

These are not perfect stories or ideal stories; but, rather they are stories that have inspired me to want to live a life that it is joyful and purposeful! You see our story is less about what happens to us, and more about how we react to what happens to us. I try to always keep in mind that my character is revealed in my reactions to the situations and people around me.

That’s not to say that my reactions are always great. As an individual with a lot of emotion, I can muster up some pretty good reactions to things. But, understanding that I’m telling a story with my actions, gives me reason to pause and rethink “how” I will react to the events that line my path.

Our stories are ultimately designed by God, but in so many ways our reactions cause us to alter them throughout our lives. What I think we sense as a “tugging” at our heart or a “gut feeling,” is often our need to get back into “God’s Story”.

A great way to reconnect with God’s Story is to begin to tell our own story: share who we are and what is happening to us in all honesty. When we voice our story, it brings to life the reality of where we are, and can help us determine where we are headed. It’s also the way we truly connect with people.

I think in many ways we have gotten away from sharing our stories. We live among many, but few really know us. We hear a lot of “talking” around us, but don’t really “hear” what people are saying. We live in a nation of millions, but so many feel lonely.

When we share our story, I think we are naturally led toward the people and experiences that God intended us to move toward. When we let our pride or insecurity keep us from sharing our story, we can often miss the opportunities that God has in store for us.

What story does your life reveal right now?

What do you think is the story God wants your life to tell?

Until next time, we take a sacred pause…

Reclaiming our Advent Experience!

2008-12-07T17:49:00.000-08:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

This is an amazing time of year. This past week, we got out the kid’s stockings (that’s all) and my son wrapped his arms around my legs and said, “I’m just so happy.” It doesn’t take much, but turning the calendar to December, to evoke joy in people!

But the challenge for us as moms is that most of what brings our family joy in this season is because of our “doing!” And, it’s the “doing” that can drain OUR experience of the holidays.

10 things that can compound the “doing” in this season are:

1. Financial worries (will I be able to do everything I want for family and friends)
2. Time worries (will I have enough time to shop, cook, wrap, sing, laugh, and visit with family…)
3. Spiritual worries (will I stay focused on the true meaning of Christmas…)
4. Emotional worries (will I be able to keep calm amidst the seasonal shift…)

5. Our children’s joy (will they be excited on Christmas morning…)
6. Our children’s joy (will they have the memory of baking Christmas cookies with mom…)
7. Our children’s joy (will they be enveloped in the wonder of the season…)
8. Our children’s joy (will they have enough experiences of Christmas before it’s all over…)
9. Our children’s joy (will we make time to sing carols, decorate a gingerbread house, make homemade gifts for the children to give family members…)
10. Our children’s joy (will they ultimately understand the true meaning of Christmas amidst EVERYTHING and EVERY EXPERIENCE!)

The majority of our worry at this time of the year is wrapped up in our children. We want them to have an understanding of the season, and be caught up in the joy of the Christmas!

This kind of worry can compound our “doing,” leaving us drained -before we know it, the season is over and we are left wondering – “did I even experience Christmas?” I have felt, during Advent, as if my expectations of the season have in various ways propelled me through the season, and I’ve “missed it!”

What we need to do is Reign in the Season!

Slow down and make choices for peaceful celebration of the season:

1. Incorporate an opportunity for joy for yourself this holiday season! Take a day just “to be”! In other words, sip on some coffee, reflect on the gift of the season, and get in touch with the grace that abounds around you.

2. Limit the number of “experiences that you want to have this season” Remember that Advent is 24 days; it will only feel like 24 days if we slow down and truly enter into the experiences of that time. There are many things we can do, but think about a few that you really want to accomplish this year and do them.

Then, let the rest of the month unfold…

3. Make choices for traditions! If you grew up without many traditions, start you own. Or, if you have traditions, but they don’t really fit into your family, spruce them up a bit! Children sometimes recall events from their childhood, but they almost always remember traditions!

Some ideas for New Traditions:

1. Light a candle every Thursday up until Christmas (we do this on Sundays of Advent – but this “Thursday idea” might speak to your family). Make a big deal about it – Call everyone around and light the Christmas candle - use this time to share with your kids what the season is about.

2. Choose a family to do something surprising for. Many people do a lot of service to others in need in this season and I hope you will continue to do this, but this idea is to “treat” a family even if they don’t “need help.” In other words… just because!

3. The week of Christmas, write your children a note each day.
Give them a thought for the day; share with them a tradition from your childhood, or just say, “I’m thinking of you!”

4. A friend suggested this: Take all the Christmas Cards you receive this year and put them in a basket. Then, have the family choose a card from the basket each evening and pray for that family – how awesome is this?!

Most of all - slow down and BREATHE! This is a season, and it too will pass. What do you want to be your memory of this season?

Until next time, we take a sacred pause…

When Gift is Disguised as Inconvenience!

2008-12-03T20:15:00.000-08:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

One morning I began a new prayer routine…

I set my alarm for 5am, settled into my living room, opened up my journal and prepared for my new commitment to prayer...

At 5:05am (and I’m not kidding!) my son walked downstairs and sat next to me. It was as if an internal honing device had gone off in him the minute I awoke!

My first reaction was to say “Are you kidding me? This is my time of quiet; this is my time to be alone.” What I did say was, “Honey, this is mommy’s prayer time and I need to take it, so you’ll just have to sit quietly while I finish.”

Then, an amazing thing happened – nothing. My son didn’t speak; he didn’t move; he just watched me – this one moment did more for my efforts to pass on my faith to my child than any amount of talking that I could do.

So many moments of God’s grace come disguised as inconvenience…

When Jonah was faced with God’s call to serve the people of Nineveh, Jonah saw this as an incredible inconvenience to his ministry, to his level of comfort, and to his willingness to serve. After all, he was spreading the word of God effectively to the people around him, the willing listeners.

In Nineveh, the people weren’t quite as nice. But, it was in fact the people of Nineveh that really needed the message of God at that particular point in time; it was a part of God’s plan.

I like to call it “going with God’s flow.” When I get up in the morning, my words are:

“God, let me meet the needs of the people and experiences that come my way today.”

In other words, when my schedule is disrupted, let me take a deep breath and go with it – there may be a gift in the unexpected moment!

Believe me I love my schedule (and don’t get me started on my lists – oh, how I love lists!), but God is rarely found on my lists; so, for this reason I have learned to welcome the unexpected.

With all the uncertainty in the world, here’s one thing we can count on throughout our journeys of faith: the inconvenient events that line our paths. But, what if we really look at these moments in a different way: what if we let our day unfold, instead of dictating every moment, every experience?

Perhaps in the unexpected, is a message from God to you!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause…

Finding Socks That Fit

2008-11-24T06:16:00.001-08:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

My husband and I are big Seinfeld fans... So, it seems fitting that in talking about prayer I might find a connection with this hilarious series on television. For those of you who remember, may this be a comical reminder. For those who have not seen this, perhaps my description will help bridge the gap between it and our reflection on prayer!

Here’s the scene: Elaine has taken a job as a personal assistant for Mr. Pitts, a difficult and self-absorbed millionaire. Her job, on this given day, is to find Mr. Pitts a proper pair of white socks. Elaine is sitting exasperated on her knees in front of Mr. Pitts, among a sea of socks – all different sizes. As he tries on the socks, he shows his dissatisfaction with her selections by saying things like: “No, no...they’re too tight”; “these are too big, they won’t stay up”; “they’re to short, they’ll eventually bunch up” – you get the idea! It is a hysterical look at how sometimes, even with a multitude of options, we can’t ever find the right thing.

I think that this is often our view on prayer… We are constantly trying to find the prayer that “fits” us, and in the process we find ourselves saying: “it’s too tight and confining,” or “it’s too loose; is this really even prayer,” or my personal favorite: “does this really even count as prayer?” …and so on.

When I was first a mom, I had a beautiful little prayer space in my bedroom. We had a large room that included a dormer on our cape style house, and in it was a big comfy chair with a small table by its side, which held small reminders of spiritual experiences (prayer stones, angels, shells, etc.). Every day, faithfully, I would take time and sit down in the quiet to pray.

Well, that beautiful room has now been divided to make two bedrooms for the children, I had to get rid of the comfy chair because the kids poked a hole in it and started pulling out the stuffing, and don’t even ask me where those sweet little spiritual reminders went. In other words, our prayer takes on new forms as our faith journeys unfold. I like to call it “Living with the Winds of Change.”

To begin, we need to approach prayer with the understanding that our prayer forms may change depending on the needs of the moment. If we find that a particular prayer form isn’t working for us, then it’s o.k. to try something new. Let me say that again: “It’s o.k. to try something new!” I think that this is important because so many people grow up with the idea that there is only one way to pray. So, as we look at our prayer life now, we need to be honest about what is working and what isn’t.

Secondly, we need to approach God with honesty in our prayer. Remember, it’s not so much the words that are used, but rather the sincerity with which the prayer is presented. God already knows the state of my heart, which leads me to think that it’s not God that needs to hear me voice my prayer, but rather “me” that needs to hear my prayers voiced.

As I voice my prayer, I think about my working definition of prayer: anything that we think, say or do, that communicates to God that which is true to our heart at any given moment, is prayer.

So, in other words…the ways of praying are wrapped up in the many varied ways that we think, speak, and act. If we write, draw, paint, walk, sing, dance, or talk in a way that reflects our belief in God, we are praying. We just need to know that there are many different ways to pray. And if we are wondering if that prayer is pleasing to God, we only need to look to the sincerity of our words, thoughts or actions.

A Busy Mom’s Approach to Prayer:

The hardest thing for us as moms is finding time to quiet down, but we do need a moment of quiet in our day, and even I can find 90 seconds (even if it’s in the bathroom). There is nothing that replaces that silence.

I read once, in a book by Matthew Kelly, about a naval tradition in another country where upon learning of an attack or great peril, everyone on board stops and stands in silence for 90 seconds before responding; they call it a 90 second stop. I wonder how many people are praying in that 90 seconds?

We need time to try and connect with the divine, which is hard to do in the context of the noise, arguing, cleaning, constant needs, etc. So, in that 90 second stop, we really need a practice that will help us to quiet down are bodies and concentrate on our breathing. The use of a mantra can often help. If, in the midst of chaos I can call on a word or phrase that is familiar, I can often distract myself long enough (usually just a minute) so that I have greater clarity on the reality at hand.

Let’s face it: whatever stage are children are in – it’s challenging! Our perspective on these crazy lives, is often locked in our current reality. Someone might say to me “just wait until…” Well, we have to “wait” because until we are there, we can’t really know what that moment will mean to us. We can speculate, but we won’t really know.

As moms, I think we need something “to do” to help us call ourselves to prayer – an action. It could be a mantra, as we mentioned earlier. Perhaps a phrase such as “enter, peace” will help us to slow down the intensity of a moment.

Another idea comes from a friend of mine, who I believe heard this from another. But, the idea is to place a bowl somewhere in your home or your workplace, where you will see it often. Every time you experience a moment of joy or grace, pour a little water in the bowl. You get the idea: at the end of our day, it can often be hard to remember all the goodness, but the water can help us recall that in every day there is “something!”

I have a lot of visual reminders around my home, different pictures or items that to some may not seem like typical spiritual reminders, but to me are spiritually inspiring. No matter where I am in the house, I can turn to one of these reminders and it can give me reason to pause.

We can also explore the formal prayers that we learned growing up because, in so many ways, they connect us with all those throughout the journey that makes up “our story.” They connect us with the thread of faith that weaves its way through our lives– I find great comfort in that.

Last, but not least…invite your gifts into your prayer! There are natural gifts that you have, and what a wonderful way to honor your relationship with God to invite them into your prayer. So, my writing can be prayer; my singing can be prayer; my running can be prayer; my mothering can be prayer – it all depends on the perspective with which I enter into the action.

It was once said that St. Francis didn’t so much pray, as his life was Prayer...May your life today be Prayer…

Until next time, we take a sacred pause…

Gathering Stones...

2008-11-20T19:01:00.000-08:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

I am so pleased that you have stopped by for another visit; I hope that you enjoy the newly added music! If you have subscribed to this site, please make sure that you respond to the e-mail verification; this will keep you informed of any updates made to the site. My hope is to provide you with new reflections, at least, once a week...Enjoy!

My children love to gather stones...

As my children gather stones at the lake, I encourage them to try and read the stones. “All stones,” I tell them, “tell a story about where they have been.” “Some are good for skipping; some are important to hold up the earth, so that it doesn’t rush into the lake, and some are good for gathering.” It’s the gathering stones that we take with us as reminders of a particular day at the lake. These gathering stones are a beautiful representation of our past and a reminder to all of us of the depth of our existence.

With three children, we now have three times the amount of gathering stones that end up in our home. What went from one tiny little pile of stones has manifested itself into a daily part of my routine. I find rocks in my washing machine; I sit down at night to relax, after turning on the dryer, and I hear “klunk, klunk, klunk” resonating from my basement. I find rocks in the kids' beds, under my couch, in the pocket of my robe, and in the toy bin. I’ve even found the girls playing with stones in the bathtub.

Recently as I was walking I felt distracted by the weight of my purse. When I looked in my purse to see why I felt like I had been carrying one of my children with me, I realized that in essence I was carrying all three of them with me because there, in the bottom of my purse, were more than a dozen stones.

As we walk through motherhood, we also gather stones. Our stones are all those experiences and emotions that come along with motherhood. And just as the beauty of the stones my children gather often turn into heavy and sometimes painful reminders of a wonderful place, sometimes the experiences of motherhood become heavy and painful too.

We can’t always predict the emotions that will enter into our mothering days, but there is no escaping the reality that the unexpected experiences and emotions keep coming. At the first moment our child is placed in our arms, I think they hand us our very first stone of worry.

As they start to toddle around they hand us another stone of worry, and as they head off to school they kick back another stone of worry in our direction. And we, as good mothers do, gather these stones of worry and find that eventually they begin to weigh us down. So, how do we lessen the feel of “these” heavy stones in our lives?

First, I think we need to know that worry is a byproduct of fear, and fear has been carried on the backs of people throughout history. Perhaps this is the reason that “Be Not Afraid,” is the most repeated phrase in all of scripture; it is found over 300 times in the Bible. I don’t think that this message from God was repeated because Abraham, Moses or Jesus were particularly scary looking people. I think this phrase has been carried on the wings of history because at the core of our humanity, is the reality that so much of our future is unknown; and, when we can’t plan or predict moments in our lives - we fear them.

The important thing to remember as mothers is that there are two forms of worry: “Motivating Worry and “Debilitating worry”. Motivating worry helps us keep ourselves and the people around us safe and sound. If I am concerned about my son’s health, I take him to the doctor to have him checked out. This is motivating worry: it leads me to care for someone in my life and is rooted in action. Now, if the doctor does all sorts of tests and tells me that he is “healthy as an ox,” my next act should be to breathe a deep sigh of relief. If every night after that doctor’s visit I sit in worry about what could have been, I am manifesting debilitating worry, which is rooted in emotion. Can you recognize the difference?

In so many ways we need to grow in awareness of how we handle worry in our lives. How is that we can keep ourselves in the realm of motivating worry without slipping over into debilitating worry? I’ve developed a little practice in my own life that I would like to share with you. I always preface my spiritual talks with the message that some individuals need and require professional assistance when it comes to the many worries in our lives. But, for many of us I think that adopting, what I like to call, a Spirit of CALM is a helpful way to begin the process of acting on our worry in a healthy way.

The Spirit of….

Community
Action
Laughter
Mantra

Community: When we find ourselves in a state of worry we need to find someone to be with; because, in community we are often reminded of HOPE (a dear friend of mine once thought of hope in this way: Hang On, Possibilities Everywhere). When we are in community we see the many different faces of HOPE. Whether it is in the community in which we worship, a small faith-sharing group, or time with a trusted friend or spiritual director, when we are with others are burden is in many ways lifted. For this reason we must try to seek and maintain community-centered activities in our lives!

Action: As soon as we find ourselves overcome with worry we need to ask ourselves, “is there something I can do right at this moment to alleviate some of my worry?” For example, let’s say that I am worried about my health: If I make an appointment to go talk to my doctor, I can take an active step toward finding some relief for my worry. On the other hand, if I am worrying about something that might happen at some point down the road (for example, a natural disaster, an unexplained illness, etc), I need to find an action to perform to get my mind off that thought. For some, an aerobic exercise or activity often helps. For others, immersing themselves in a hobby can take an engaged mind off of the worry. Whatever it is that speaks to you, find an action that comforts your mind.

Laughter: For so many reasons we need to search out opportunities for laughter. Even at times of worry, we can laugh. Research has shown that there are amazing health benefits of laughter.

“Some of the positive effects include: building up our immune system, reducing food cravings, and increasing one's threshold for pain. There's even such a thing as humor therapy to help people heal more quickly. Humor also has several important stress relieving benefits. Laughter has been shown to reduce the level of stress hormones like cortisol, epinephrine, adrenaline, and dopamine. It also increases the level of health-enhancing hormones like endorphins, and neurotransmitters. As if that weren’t enough, laughter also increases the number of antibody-producing cells.” (http://www.seattletimes.nwsource.com/)

Need I say more? Seek out people, experiences, entertainment that make you laugh and welcome the benefits of a chuckle or two. I truly believe that the more we make laughter a part of our daily routine, the more we see the joyful humor in so many areas of our lives.

Mantra: Find a short phrase to repeat during moments of worry. It can be formed in the moment of concern, or it can be gleaned from your favorite prayer. Remember it’s not the words, but rather the sincerity with which the words are prayed that matters. Some examples are:

“Lord, grant me peace”
“God, settle my nerves”
“Heavenly Father, be with me”
“Lord, ease my breath”

Often at night, if I have a hard time falling to sleep or I wake up with worry, I find that praying a mantra helps to settle my body and mind. However, a mantra can be used at any point in your day. The repetitive nature of praying with a mantra naturally leads us to slow down our breath which can have a positive impact on our health. Give this a try the next time you feel your worry taking on a life of its’ own.

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Welcome, good people!

2008-11-18T11:00:00.000-08:00

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

"It is such a happiness when good people get together--and they always do." (from Jane Austen’s Emma)
Welcome, good people! It is a privilege to welcome you to this new step along our paths! I’ve always loved the above quote from Jane Austen’s Emma, because in all it’s simplicity good people somehow always do find one another.

You notice that the quote doesn’t say, “It is such a happiness when perfect people get together.” I find such comfort in that! I think that this is a perfect place to begin our journey together…

What makes us experience joy along our walk of faith, is our willingness to walk together, not in perfection, but in honesty - to lift each other up, when the tides sneak up on us and knock us off our feet – to speak words of peace to restless and turbulent hearts, and to remind one another to BREATHE!

We know the health benefits of meditation and deep breathing. But, still we have become a society of shallow-breathers, moving so fast that our breath is running to keep up with our bodies. Take a moment, stop and breathe! Do this often and give your breath a voice; two common mantras that accompany my breath are: “Come, peace!” & “Enter, patience!” You might have a hint of what my daily life is like with these two mantras!

I welcome the challenge that is my life, because without the challenge – the joy wouldn’t taste so sweet! A journey of joy is not a journey free of challenge, but it is a journey rooted in something bigger than myself. To remind myself of this all-important message, I breathe… I hope that you will come breathe with me often! Until next time, we take a sacred pause……

Breathing Space

We enter this sacred space and breathe!

We come seeking a glimpse of inspiration and comfort.

We breathe and breathe, and breathe again.

Around us the prayers of those who journey in faith whisper, “trust.”

We hear them, and breathe in the summons!

We breathe and breathe, and breathe again.

The humor of God floods our space, and at times invites tears into our moment; the worry of our hearts often does the same.

We breathe and breathe, and breathe again.

The faces in our circle say, “I’ve been there; I know - hang on!”

We breathe and breathe, and breathe again.

We don’t fully understand the tides around us, but we believe in the One who moves them.

We’ve discovered sacred gifts that have been dreamed into existence for us by God.

We see exquisite possibilities in darkened spaces; we feel something of the sacred purpose of this life.

We breathe and breathe, and breathe again!

We are thankful for moments when we can breathe in the wisdom of this place!

We are grateful that those who have come before us have left behind a gift of breath, for moments when we can’t catch our own.

We breathe and breathe, and breathe again…
and then, the breath gives birth to New Life!

- Susan Major

Please check back for more retreat offerings!

2008-11-18T07:00:00.000-08:00