We grow spiritually much more by
doing it wrong than by doing it right. That might just be the central message
of how spiritual growth happens; yet nothing in us wants to believe it, and
those who deem themselves “morally successful” are often the last to learn it.
If there is such a thing as human perfection, it seems to
emerge precisely from how we handle the imperfection that is everywhere,
especially our own. What a clever place for God to hide holiness, so that only
the humble and earnest will find it! A “perfect” person ends up being one who
can consciously forgive and include imperfection (like God does), rather than
one who thinks he or she is totally above and beyond any imperfection.
- Richard Rohr in "Falling Upward"As I read the words above from Franciscan Priest, Richard Rohr, I think "Oh, thank God! There's hope for me yet!" I am trying to embrace my imperfections and look at them as a "clever place for God to hide holiness!"
I wish there was an easy way to do that, but unfortunately our own humanness seems to be a "fastpass" to imperfection. I just found myself in the midst of such a human moment as I ran through all of the things I need to do before the school year begins. As a teacher and mother of three young children, there's a lot on my "to do" list for August. In fact, there is so much to do, that I found myself overcome as I washed dishes the other night.
I could feel the emotions coming as I washed another glass (wondering why 5 people needed to use 12 classes in one day!) As I washed the multitude of glassware, I felt myself feeling resentful that I needed to wash the dishes in the first place. The broken dishwasher sits there on vacation while I wash and wash and wash. So, as I let the feelings of resentment enter into my moment, I began to let those feelings invite guests. All of a sudden, it wasn't about washing dishes at all, it was about the laundry I had to do and the lesson plans I had write; it was the school supplies to buy and the paperwork to fill out; it was the house to clean; It was....................................................
Well, it was everything! And then they came...the tears. What I initially started feeling (resentment over washing dishes) couldn't even be recognized. To quote country singer Miranda Lambert (I know from Richard Rohr to Miranda Lambert!) I had let the "crazy" in and allowed it to grow a life of it's own.
I know the emotion that makes me feel compassion for others and joy for life, is also the emotion that can take me down a very dark road. I beat cancer for heaven's sake, am I really crying over washing dishes? So, I have to STOP! Stop for a minute and get back to the dishes! In other words, remember what it was that first sparked the emotion and reclaim the path of imperfection.
I can't change my emotional make-up, nor would I! It's what makes me who I am (who God created me to be!) But, I can try to create balance in an otherwise unbalanced day! When I feel myself feeling overwhelmed, I know that I need to STOP and reassess where that emotion is coming from. Is it something I can do something about or do I need to accept the thing that makes me crazy and find peace with it.
Back to the other night. So, on the 8th glass, my husband came up and said "would you like me to jump in here and finish?" I guess watching his wife cry while washing dishes was too much for him to take. Letting him help (and then of course the trip for ice cream with the kids after) was the STOP I needed. I moment to step back and recognize that one of my imperfection is that I think I can do it all - and in that moment of imperfection - holiness stepped right in and took me for ice cream!
Stay Sane!
Susan
