Stepping Forward in Trust

It's been awhile, I know...But, I'm thrilled to step forward once again, in trust! thank you all for your support, prayers and love - We did it!

“Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever." - Isak Dinesen

The Celtic saints had a practice of setting out in coracles, small boats without oars, in complete trust. The idea is that God's will, in the form of water currents and wind, would lead them to the "place of their resurrection." In other words, they would be led to the place God needed them to rise up and serve those who needed them most.

Can you imagine stepping in a boat without oars and settling wherever the wind and currents lead you? On top of that, can you see yourself then getting out of the boat on new shores ready to serve in God's name?

We are all faced with moments that bring us face to face with the opportunity to "get in the boat." Sometimes we feel rooted in a strength that allows us to step in without question. More often we've got one foot in and one foot out! This is a more familiar image for me. We want to get in and move forward in trust, however... WOW, that is hard!

We want to see those shores that we will land on. We want to know how long we will be in this boat. We want to be assured that the sailing will be easy. These are our human demands, and we can't help but be governed by them. Or, can we?

Faith in the journey is fostered by first taking a step forward in trust. When we imagine ourselves getting in that boat and allowing God to lead us, it doesn't mean that we always feel completely confident and assured in our decision. Rather, we step in and trust that wherever we are led, God will provide us with what we need to handle those shores. The more we practice, "getting in the boat" the more we will experience God's presence on our journey.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I felt that I had been led to some rocky shores. I would have preferred a nice, white sandy beach aside calm waters. But, there is something along the rocky shores that needs me. This is my statement of trust. This is the belief that helps me get in this boat and be led...not easy, I know. The impossible is possible!

Probably the most difficult part of this journey is the fear that accompanies new terrain. The most repeated phrase in all of scripture is “be not afraid.” I don’t think this is a coincidence. God knows that our human nature is to fear. In one of my darkest moments along my journey with cancer, I could taste fear. I remember a night when I was up unable to sleep. I stared at a picture of my husband and three children. I thought about what my doctors had told me: 4 surgeries, 16 rounds of chemo, 28 days of radiation therapy and ten years of daily medications – and that was if everything went smoothly. The fear that ran through my body paralyzed me in that moment.

I went to the computer and read messages left for me on a Caringbridge website that a friend had created for me. With each message, I felt a bit of strength piercing through the fear. Next, I went to my email to respond to some messages. As I looked through my mail, a new message showed up in my inbox. It was 2am and my friend was emailing me. I emailed her back and said, “are you really up and emailing me or is this a delayed message?” I received a message back that said, “Call me on my cell phone.” That began an hour-long conversation that lessened the fear enough for me to get some sleep.

Sometimes fear is only relieved by the presence of others. There is a reason why community is so important in this life. When we can’t find the words or the strength to help ourselves, others can hold us up until we can. My fear didn’t completely go away. In fact, living with cancer means that fear will always poke its’ head in every now and then. I can move forward in trust because I can look back and know that in previous moments when I felt fear, I was ok. In these moments, I can open myself to those around me and say, “Will you walk with me in this moment?”

Are you being asked to climb aboard today? Can you trust that God will lead you to the shores that are meant for you? Can you put both feet in the boat?

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Diving Into our Day!

(image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

A couple of years ago, we took the kids for their first visit to one of my greatest inspirations: the ocean! As our friends drove us from the airport to their home, they stopped by a beach area to show the kids the massive body of water that just instantly captures your heart. The children were in awe! They left the car, ran to the ocean's edge and ran right in, clothes and all! This is one of the most vivid and joyful memories I have with my children.

As a parent, it is a great privilege to "experience" life with my children. Their total abandonment in that moment at the ocean was something I envied. As a child, I too use to run to the ocean or our hometown lake and just jump in without giving it a second thought. But, now as an adult (a reasoning adult) I feel compelled to "test" the water before entering into it. I'm not sure when this change took place, but I know that it is a part of what happens to us as we approach events in our lives as adults.

We think everything through, weigh the advantages and disadvantages, consider all the options and then (if you're like me) you make a list of possible actions. Sounds so boring and just what I thought adults were like when I was a kid. But, now I'm an adult and I'm doing these exact same things.

I'm not saying that there aren't moments that require thought and prayer before making a decision, but I think there has to be some middle place where we still allow ourselves the ability to "abandon ourselves to experiences" - "reclaim our childhood enthusiasm for life". Granted our children don't have mortgages to worry about, cars to be repaired or christmas preparations to make amidst all the other responsibilities of life. But, thank God they don't. Because their joy and openness to all that is glorious in life is more abundant with the absence of distraction. Their ability to love life is a constant reminder to me that I still have that in me too - it just takes a certain level of awareness to bring it to the surface.

During that initial trip to the ocean, I stood in the water (testing the temperature and considering whether or not to fully immerse myself) when a young woman of 20 appeared beside me. She said hello and we struck up a conversation. She asked if she could stand with me... she loved the ocean, but was nervous to go in by herself. I assured her that I would be happy to stand with her (it would give me another excuse to just stand in the water awhile longer).

As she spoke, I learned that she was working through an addiction to alcohol and came to the ocean's edge as part of her journey toward health. She said, "I don't know why, but being here makes me feel connected to something bigger than myself." That's the gift and inspiration born out of standing amidst the water!

She was learning to step back into the water, little by little, asking for help along the way. I was glad to be her support in that moment (a moment that I do not believe was coincidental, for she was support to me too!). After she said, "thank you" and walked back out of the water, I first realized that for the past 30 minutes I had stood next to this very attractive 20 year-old in a bikini, while I stood in my 38 year-old body which now required a swim dress. I giggled at the wonderful reality of myself and then dove into the water.

Sometimes we need to just dive into the water, Or, better yet, dive into our lives...giving moments thought when they really need them and then abandoning ourselves to the experiences, whether they show up on our lists or not. I didn't have that encounter with that young woman in the water on my list that day, but I gathered such inspiration and grace from that moment; in fact, I think about her quite often. I guess sometimes, the things that are not on our list are the most important events of our day!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

The Morning of...

(photo compliments of Matt Major)

I sit here on the morning of my last chemotherapy treatment, with my coffee in hand (something I enjoy that has not been off limits during my treatment - little blessings!) It's early and everyone else is asleep. But, I sit here amazed that this day has arrived.

Six months ago, arriving at this day seemed like an insurmountable peak (but, I knew I would do it!)

When they told me that I had a blood clot in my lung, this day seemed quite possibly unreachable (but I knew I could do it!)

When they told me that the results of my blood work would prevent me from receiving treatment one week, this day seemed to get further away (but, I knew I would eventually reach it!)

When they told me that they thought the cancer has already spread and I waited to hear results, I forgot about this day altogether (but, I knew I would get here!)

And, although I still wait for more test results and phone calls from doctors to tell me bits and pieces of what my future may hold, I know how special this day truly is!

You see, through all of the uncertainty, there has been one constant - community! We never travel these rocky paths alone. Although I have been removed from most of my normal community throughout my treatment, I have still felt the strength of many. Through cards, messages on my caring bridge site and phone calls, the spirit of community has thrived in this time of isolation.

And at the center of my experience of community have been a group of nurses, doctors and technicians who have lined my path with hope, compassion and humor. For those who know me best, you know I spent yesterday writing more than a dozen letters to all those in the infusion room. As much as I never want to walk into that infusion room again, I will miss these "angels" that have been such a significant part of my journey to this day.

It makes me think of all those who have traveled throughout salvation history...although at times people step apart for reflection and prayer (sometimes by choice and sometimes not), they always return to community. For it is in community, that we see most clearly the manifestation of God's grace in so many varied ways.

Who in your "community" is a reflection of God's grace? Who reminds you of the importance of humor in this life? Who, with just a moment in their presence, gives you the gift of joy? Perhaps that person in your life needs to know this!

Now, for whom are YOU these things? We all have a purpose in our "community" - someone depends on YOU for a reminder of the goodness in this life! Perhaps You need to know this!

Yes, this day seemed so far away back in May. Yet, here it is and I will celebrate its' arrival; that is until I am knocked out by the chemo drugs later on this morning. But, when I come to again, I will give thanks for seeing this day arrive.

I know I will then need to look ahead to the next phase of treatment, but I will look down that road and know that I can do it!

Have a blessed day and until next time, we take a sacred pause...

I Don't Know My Own Strength!

(image compliments of Matt Major)

On Sunday, I sat down with my calendar to compile a list of appointment dates since my diagnosis - I wasn't doing this just for fun,but rather as a precursor to our 2009 taxes, which will apparently also reflect my journey with cancer.

As I started to tally dr. appts, lab work, scans, testing, infusions, I realized that later today when I enter the infusion room, I will complete my 80th appt. I had to stop for a minute and take a deep breath. Unlike a supermarket contest, I don't think I will be winning a free cart of groceries when I reach 100 visits. But, I believe today I am winning a greater understanding of my own strength.

If back in May, the doctors had said, "you have breast cancer and over the next 6 months you will be going to 80 appts, scans, tests, infusions..." I could never have done it. The mountain would have seemed insurmountable. But, here I am about to walk into my 80th appointment.

I think this is the reason that our lives are not shown in fulfillment to us at the beginning; it might seem like too much to journey through. However, over the course of our lives, as we look back we see strength in ourselves that surprises us. Then, as we face new challenges we have the gift of our experiences to draw on for strength.

Whether we feel that the day with our kids has been too much; our jobs are too overwhelming or an illness is beating us down, we only have to look at all we have come through and where we have been to see that we are stronger than we think we are. We have to remind ourselves of this daily.

I have a bookmark that says, "the will of God will not lead you where the grace of God cannot keep you." I have certainly found this to be true. We have remarkable strength within us, that I think is placed in us at the time of our birth - we only to remind ourselves of this when we feel the climb of our present moment is too daunting.

You can do it! I can do it! And we know this because of where we have been and because the strength we need is resting within us. We only need to summon it to the surface of our present challenge.

Summon up your strength and believe that you are stronger than that which you face!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Falling Into My Life!

(image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

I remember listening to a talk by Father Richard Rohr in which he made the statement, "Don't push the river!" That statement has resonated with me on so many occasions, but probably none more that right now.

The premise of this idea (don't push the river) is that our lives have a current all their own. I don't have the ability to change all that happens in my life, but I do have the ability to choose how I respond to that which occurs in my life. When I spend my energy trying to change that which cannot be changed, I am pushing the river. This doesn't mean that I have to sit back and do nothing in the face of challenge, but instead I have to put my energy in my response to the events and people around me.

This weekend, as I await news on more tests, I can say that I want nothing more than to "push the river." I would love to know that this cancer will be gone after the radiation next year. I would love to be assured that I will be cancer-free 10 years from now. I can't know that these statements are true, but I can live as though they are. Living as though they are true statements changes everything about how I approach my day.

In so many ways, this is about falling into my life! The reality of where I am, is where I am. Once I accept that reality, I can then look to how I am responding to the truth of my life. This can allow me to make changes within my control and affect how I choose to respond to that which is out of my control.

Some may say that amidst our challenges is not the time to fall into our lives; but, I think that the toughest of times is exactly the time to fall into our lives. When I begin to accept that where I am is where I am, I can begin the process of not letting the challenge itself define me. Instead, I can let how I respond to that challenge begin to shine light on who I am.

It's certainly easier to be at the center of God in my life, when I'm healthy and free of challenge, but I don't think it's quite as telling as trying to reside at the center with God in the midst of this challenge. So, I and all those struggling with challenge in their lives (and who among us is not challenged in some way?) can look at these moments as opportunities to fall into our lives. We can look at these moments as opportunities to challenge ourselves to look more deeply into what or who governs our choices!

I am so thankful for my faith. I'm not the best example of one who walks with God; I have my moments of walking in worry and fear; but, I see the opportunity to choose how I respond to the events around me, and in that I feel a great grace!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Living with Purpose!

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}


Yesterday I sat down with my girls and watched Disney's The Rescuers. It's a sweet movie about two tiny unassuming mice, who are commissioned to go forth and rescue a little girl in trouble. I particularly appreciated the little mouse from Hungary who always donned a matching hat and wrap! Even in the swaps of the bayou, she was looking stylish!

At the moment in the film, when the mice finally reach the little girl and tell her they are there to rescue her, my 6 year-old, Anna, said, "oh my goodness, I'm crying!" And there, on her tiny little face were a stream of tears. The funny thing was...I was crying too! We both started laughing and I said, "Oh, Anna...God gave us the gift of compassion and it just oozes out everywhere!"

I can't help the fact that I cry at every episode of America's Home Makeover or that darn Folger's coffee commercial they play every December - the one where the eldest son returns home on Christmas Eve, just in time to surprise his family! My inability to control the tears in these moments, drives me crazy and yet, I recognize that God gave me all my personality traits (the normal and the quirky), gifts and talents for a reason.

But, instead of looking at ourselves as gift, we more often look at ourselves and shake our heads. There are things about myself that drive me crazy, but I see that in many ways those things have helped serve me in the most peculiar ways. So, I don't want to overlook even the most mundane parts of myself. Everything is for purpose!

I remember talking to someone once about her child's desire to always be right. She was concerned that her daughter would go through life alienating people with her need to prove that she was always right. I too have a child that likes to be right about everything, so I understood her concern. But, I also said "What if that part of their personality was given to them for a reason and we squashed it? What if we headed them in the right direction and fostered this part of their personality in a healthy way?" Perhaps these two children will grow up to stand up for the less fortunate, for an injustice or for those who don't have a voice, because they know that it is "right!" It's all in what you do with it, that makes the difference!

I think we need to sometimes see the possibility in even that which drives us nuts about ourselves. Part of the gift of these journeys we are on, is the ability to continue to grow! We have to foster and direct ourselves in a healthy way, to a clearer understanding of the gift that we are in this life! Then we can begin to see how we are designed to serve in this life!

Don't sell yourself short too soon! God placed you in this life for purpose and you have the gifts and talents (and, yes, personality traits) to live in fullness of that purpose everyday! Go to it!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Reclaiming our Well Experiences!

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

By nature I am a conversationalist; I love to "visit" with people. My mom used to say that she loved taking car trips with me, because I would talk the whole way and it made the trip go by that much quicker. But, even with a love for conversing, I have to always stop and ask myself if I'm really listening to the people around me.

I think the pace of our lives adds to the difficulty we face in really listening to those around us. I don't mean just hearing the words coming out of another's mouth, although that's an important part of it. But, rather, I mean really listening to what the spirit of another is saying to us.

When we are left to e-mail short messages or make quick calls on our cell phones, we recognize that our lives are often pulling us along and it can be difficult to really enter into the meaning that is shared around us. I got laughing the other day when a friend talked about eating pizza in the car while the kids changed into practice clothes for a soccer game. I laughed because we've all been there in some way or another. So what can we do? I like to start by asking myself an important question:

How well am I "tapped into" those around me? What can I better understand about their words, when I consider the layers underneath those words? When someone in my life is speaking to me, am I really present to them or am I looking at them while my mind rests someplace else? There is such opportunity to grow spiritually when we open ourselves up to those around us.

I like to call them "Well Experiences!" Historically women would gather at the well, and it was here where they would learn about the needs, experiences, joys and sorrows of the families around them. It's hard for us to grasp these "well experiences" in our busy lives. But, it's not impossible.

Let's try a little experiment: spend one day putting aside what we feel we "have to do" and remain open to the people we come across on the street, in the store, at school or at home. Now, of course there are things we need to do; our kids need to be fed, dressed and taken to activities; we need to get to work and think about dinner. But, even with all the necessary responsibility, there is still time to "go with the flow" a little bit. Listen to the people who are speaking around you, and consider how those moments can enrich your life.


The majority of time, it has nothing to do with the actual words that are used, but rather the honesty with which our words are delivered.

Since my illness, many people have commented that it's hard to know what to say. I agree, it is hard to know what to say to these challenges. Sometimes moments or experiences seem to transcend words that we are usually comfortable using; but, it matters less "what is said" and more that an emotion is shared. So, just in saying, "I don't know what to say," the most important words are spoken - because they are honest.

Probably one of the greatest gifts of this cancer is the opportunity to stop and really hear the words of the people around me. It's a fascinating moment when a "talker" begins to really listen. What I hear on a daily basis fills me with the kind of inspiration and joy that can even lift one out of a very dark moment in time.


Although my walk with cancer has gifted me with a growth in this awareness, one does not have to have cancer to begin the process of embracing the "well experiences" of his or her day. One only has to make a choice to stop, listen and respond in hope and honesty to those whose paths cross their own.


What will your next "well experience" be like? Will you recognize it?



Until next time, we take a sacred pause...