8.26.2009
Running Late!
So, the experience of today has finally caught up with me. Certainly I have had my emotional breakdowns and my moments of frustration, but none have struck me like the experience I had yesterday...I was late for my chemo infusion. I know, in light of everything, this sounds ridiculous - But, this is me...
For those who know me well, I take great pride in my calendar; it is neat, organized, and reflective of a person who has some unnatural needs to be organized with my activities and schedules. I am also the person, who in college, would take notes in class and then return to my dorm to re-write all my notes over again in new notebooks - just so that they were perfectly neat. One of the "normal" experiences since my diagnosis has been my daily review of my very busy calendar.
My calendar today shows my doctor's appts, infusion dates, testing appts and all the various arrangements for the children: the girls in one direction and our son in another. I've had so many people offer to help with this part of the process, but it's the one thing that makes me feel like myself. And, up until now I've take great pride in the fact that everything has moved along rather smoothly, in an otherwise chaotic experience. That is until yesterday...
As we dropped the kids off at two different locations, and headed into my infusion, I ran through the day once more in my mind..."yes! everything is in place" Then, as I checked in at the oncology center promptly at 9:30am, the receptionist looked at me and said "we had you down for an 8:45am infusion". What! how could this be? She was so nice and said, "not to worry. I will just call upstairs and get them ready for you."
Again, I'm thinking "How could this be?" Knowing me well enough, Matt grabs my arm and says, "It's not a problem; don't worry about it" But, that's like telling a writer to not worry about a grammatical error or misspelled word in their work. I'm never late! I'm always on time! My highly, very neat, calendar always ensures that.
As the nurse readied me for my infusion: asking all the questions, inserting the line in my port, etc...I began to cry. In great kindness, the nurse reminded me that each time is stressful and that it's an anxious experience to come in for these infusions. I agreed with what she was saying, but I couldn't tell her that I was actually crying because I was late to the appointment. That would give her too much insight into my neurosis.
But, there I was face to face with that dreaded thought: my humanity. I have a lot going on, and even with all the planning and organizing, things don't always go according to plan.
Oh, what a lesson for life! We can do our best, feeling that all our bases are covered and than we find that we can't be completely in control, nor should we want to be. This little moment yesterday, gave me a lot to reflect on. So often we are looking for a great book, retreat, or spiritual talk to help lead us to a better understanding of ourselves. But, sometimes it is our daily reflections that show us the greatest opportunities in which to grow and become more closely connected with our spiritual energy.
Whenever I have moments like this, it reminds me that I need to still hand a little more over to God, Now, certainly God can't arrange childcare for my children (however, that has all gone along so smoothly, that I can't help but think that his hand is in that), but God can certainly help me better see the moments where I need to let go a little bit more.
Will this keep me from trying to keep my calendar organized and neat - probably not? But, I also want to make sure that I leave open places for God to interject his wisdom and guidance, which so often comes in the form of an unexpected phone call or visit from a friend. God is always presenting us with moments of grace, we just need to be open to them (and realize that they are rarely listed on our calendars).
Even in the midst of our really crazy, busy lives, we can find moments to put our pens and calendars down and look around. Out there...there are people, places and experiences that can grace our lives with inspiration!
What is on your "calendar"? In other words, what takes so much of your focus that you find it hard to slow down? Perhaps today, we can all decide to take a moment and change things up a bit for the purpose of slowing down and exploring the grace that abounds around us.
Until next time, we take a sacred pause...
