The Morning of...

(photo compliments of Matt Major)

I sit here on the morning of my last chemotherapy treatment, with my coffee in hand (something I enjoy that has not been off limits during my treatment - little blessings!) It's early and everyone else is asleep. But, I sit here amazed that this day has arrived.

Six months ago, arriving at this day seemed like an insurmountable peak (but, I knew I would do it!)

When they told me that I had a blood clot in my lung, this day seemed quite possibly unreachable (but I knew I could do it!)

When they told me that the results of my blood work would prevent me from receiving treatment one week, this day seemed to get further away (but, I knew I would eventually reach it!)

When they told me that they thought the cancer has already spread and I waited to hear results, I forgot about this day altogether (but, I knew I would get here!)

And, although I still wait for more test results and phone calls from doctors to tell me bits and pieces of what my future may hold, I know how special this day truly is!

You see, through all of the uncertainty, there has been one constant - community! We never travel these rocky paths alone. Although I have been removed from most of my normal community throughout my treatment, I have still felt the strength of many. Through cards, messages on my caring bridge site and phone calls, the spirit of community has thrived in this time of isolation.

And at the center of my experience of community have been a group of nurses, doctors and technicians who have lined my path with hope, compassion and humor. For those who know me best, you know I spent yesterday writing more than a dozen letters to all those in the infusion room. As much as I never want to walk into that infusion room again, I will miss these "angels" that have been such a significant part of my journey to this day.

It makes me think of all those who have traveled throughout salvation history...although at times people step apart for reflection and prayer (sometimes by choice and sometimes not), they always return to community. For it is in community, that we see most clearly the manifestation of God's grace in so many varied ways.

Who in your "community" is a reflection of God's grace? Who reminds you of the importance of humor in this life? Who, with just a moment in their presence, gives you the gift of joy? Perhaps that person in your life needs to know this!

Now, for whom are YOU these things? We all have a purpose in our "community" - someone depends on YOU for a reminder of the goodness in this life! Perhaps You need to know this!

Yes, this day seemed so far away back in May. Yet, here it is and I will celebrate its' arrival; that is until I am knocked out by the chemo drugs later on this morning. But, when I come to again, I will give thanks for seeing this day arrive.

I know I will then need to look ahead to the next phase of treatment, but I will look down that road and know that I can do it!

Have a blessed day and until next time, we take a sacred pause...

I Don't Know My Own Strength!

(image compliments of Matt Major)

On Sunday, I sat down with my calendar to compile a list of appointment dates since my diagnosis - I wasn't doing this just for fun,but rather as a precursor to our 2009 taxes, which will apparently also reflect my journey with cancer.

As I started to tally dr. appts, lab work, scans, testing, infusions, I realized that later today when I enter the infusion room, I will complete my 80th appt. I had to stop for a minute and take a deep breath. Unlike a supermarket contest, I don't think I will be winning a free cart of groceries when I reach 100 visits. But, I believe today I am winning a greater understanding of my own strength.

If back in May, the doctors had said, "you have breast cancer and over the next 6 months you will be going to 80 appts, scans, tests, infusions..." I could never have done it. The mountain would have seemed insurmountable. But, here I am about to walk into my 80th appointment.

I think this is the reason that our lives are not shown in fulfillment to us at the beginning; it might seem like too much to journey through. However, over the course of our lives, as we look back we see strength in ourselves that surprises us. Then, as we face new challenges we have the gift of our experiences to draw on for strength.

Whether we feel that the day with our kids has been too much; our jobs are too overwhelming or an illness is beating us down, we only have to look at all we have come through and where we have been to see that we are stronger than we think we are. We have to remind ourselves of this daily.

I have a bookmark that says, "the will of God will not lead you where the grace of God cannot keep you." I have certainly found this to be true. We have remarkable strength within us, that I think is placed in us at the time of our birth - we only to remind ourselves of this when we feel the climb of our present moment is too daunting.

You can do it! I can do it! And we know this because of where we have been and because the strength we need is resting within us. We only need to summon it to the surface of our present challenge.

Summon up your strength and believe that you are stronger than that which you face!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...