Those of you who know me well, know that I love my schedule! When I was teaching, my favorite part of the year was getting all my supplies and filling in my calendar for the year. I loved planning my lessons and structuring my classes. I just love to be organized in my tasks. My family wishes I felt that way about my house, but we can't be good at everything now can we?
The closest I get to organizing now is filling in my datebook with my daily doctor's appointments and figuring out where the children will be from day to day. It's a little job in and of itself. But, it gives me a taste of that organization that I love so much.
So, here's the part where I need to just let go...Cancer is not the type of experience that makes you feel the least bit in control. Instead you feel at the mercy of others. There are so few moments to truly make choices, because most are made for you. The best I can do is choose what I will wear to chemo each day. A simple task, but I think my efforts are paying off because I receive nice compliments as I enter the infusion room each day!
What is God saying to me in the midst of all of this? I think he is saying "Let Go!" Let go of the expectations you have for the summer, for the start of school, for the way you think things should be going right now. I think God is, instead, saying let the moments unfold and let me create a new expectation for you: to just be in the midst of this struggle. So, the children's closets may not be organized before school starts; I may not be able to do all the things I like to do in preparation for a new school year. But, I am here!
I am fighting this disease, and moving forward with each challenge - this is a big lesson for me! When I could easily feel defeated, I remember that I have survived 3 months of chaos. And, that those 3 months of chaos have been lined with unbelievable grace and daily reminders of God's presence in my life!
Most importantly, I have survived the last 3 months without my calendar, without my schedules and without all my predetermined ideas about how things should be from day to day. I guess, I am learning that I need to hand myself over to God just a little bit more. I feel that each time I allow someone to do something for me, I am in many ways handing myself over to God, and saying: "I'm letting go!"
This is such a hard part of our human existence, but so necessary as we journey along our paths of faith. I have to begin each day with that prayer: "Let me be open to your will today!"
How do you feel about beginning your day with this prayer? Do you ever feel called by God to let go of some of your expectations and to just "be" in the moments of your day?
Until next time, we take a sacred pause...
