Living with Purpose!

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}


Yesterday I sat down with my girls and watched Disney's The Rescuers. It's a sweet movie about two tiny unassuming mice, who are commissioned to go forth and rescue a little girl in trouble. I particularly appreciated the little mouse from Hungary who always donned a matching hat and wrap! Even in the swaps of the bayou, she was looking stylish!

At the moment in the film, when the mice finally reach the little girl and tell her they are there to rescue her, my 6 year-old, Anna, said, "oh my goodness, I'm crying!" And there, on her tiny little face were a stream of tears. The funny thing was...I was crying too! We both started laughing and I said, "Oh, Anna...God gave us the gift of compassion and it just oozes out everywhere!"

I can't help the fact that I cry at every episode of America's Home Makeover or that darn Folger's coffee commercial they play every December - the one where the eldest son returns home on Christmas Eve, just in time to surprise his family! My inability to control the tears in these moments, drives me crazy and yet, I recognize that God gave me all my personality traits (the normal and the quirky), gifts and talents for a reason.

But, instead of looking at ourselves as gift, we more often look at ourselves and shake our heads. There are things about myself that drive me crazy, but I see that in many ways those things have helped serve me in the most peculiar ways. So, I don't want to overlook even the most mundane parts of myself. Everything is for purpose!

I remember talking to someone once about her child's desire to always be right. She was concerned that her daughter would go through life alienating people with her need to prove that she was always right. I too have a child that likes to be right about everything, so I understood her concern. But, I also said "What if that part of their personality was given to them for a reason and we squashed it? What if we headed them in the right direction and fostered this part of their personality in a healthy way?" Perhaps these two children will grow up to stand up for the less fortunate, for an injustice or for those who don't have a voice, because they know that it is "right!" It's all in what you do with it, that makes the difference!

I think we need to sometimes see the possibility in even that which drives us nuts about ourselves. Part of the gift of these journeys we are on, is the ability to continue to grow! We have to foster and direct ourselves in a healthy way, to a clearer understanding of the gift that we are in this life! Then we can begin to see how we are designed to serve in this life!

Don't sell yourself short too soon! God placed you in this life for purpose and you have the gifts and talents (and, yes, personality traits) to live in fullness of that purpose everyday! Go to it!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Reclaiming our Well Experiences!

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

By nature I am a conversationalist; I love to "visit" with people. My mom used to say that she loved taking car trips with me, because I would talk the whole way and it made the trip go by that much quicker. But, even with a love for conversing, I have to always stop and ask myself if I'm really listening to the people around me.

I think the pace of our lives adds to the difficulty we face in really listening to those around us. I don't mean just hearing the words coming out of another's mouth, although that's an important part of it. But, rather, I mean really listening to what the spirit of another is saying to us.

When we are left to e-mail short messages or make quick calls on our cell phones, we recognize that our lives are often pulling us along and it can be difficult to really enter into the meaning that is shared around us. I got laughing the other day when a friend talked about eating pizza in the car while the kids changed into practice clothes for a soccer game. I laughed because we've all been there in some way or another. So what can we do? I like to start by asking myself an important question:

How well am I "tapped into" those around me? What can I better understand about their words, when I consider the layers underneath those words? When someone in my life is speaking to me, am I really present to them or am I looking at them while my mind rests someplace else? There is such opportunity to grow spiritually when we open ourselves up to those around us.

I like to call them "Well Experiences!" Historically women would gather at the well, and it was here where they would learn about the needs, experiences, joys and sorrows of the families around them. It's hard for us to grasp these "well experiences" in our busy lives. But, it's not impossible.

Let's try a little experiment: spend one day putting aside what we feel we "have to do" and remain open to the people we come across on the street, in the store, at school or at home. Now, of course there are things we need to do; our kids need to be fed, dressed and taken to activities; we need to get to work and think about dinner. But, even with all the necessary responsibility, there is still time to "go with the flow" a little bit. Listen to the people who are speaking around you, and consider how those moments can enrich your life.


The majority of time, it has nothing to do with the actual words that are used, but rather the honesty with which our words are delivered.

Since my illness, many people have commented that it's hard to know what to say. I agree, it is hard to know what to say to these challenges. Sometimes moments or experiences seem to transcend words that we are usually comfortable using; but, it matters less "what is said" and more that an emotion is shared. So, just in saying, "I don't know what to say," the most important words are spoken - because they are honest.

Probably one of the greatest gifts of this cancer is the opportunity to stop and really hear the words of the people around me. It's a fascinating moment when a "talker" begins to really listen. What I hear on a daily basis fills me with the kind of inspiration and joy that can even lift one out of a very dark moment in time.


Although my walk with cancer has gifted me with a growth in this awareness, one does not have to have cancer to begin the process of embracing the "well experiences" of his or her day. One only has to make a choice to stop, listen and respond in hope and honesty to those whose paths cross their own.


What will your next "well experience" be like? Will you recognize it?



Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Finding the Words!

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

We were sitting having dinner when all of a sudden my 9 year-old says, "Mom, why did cancer even start?"

My reasoning mind wants to explain that there is this gene in our family that has been passed down, and that this gene led me to have cancer. But, that's scary for a child - I know he will begin to wonder, "do I have this gene?" He doesn't need to worry about this now. I could make something up, but I'm too tired to think of anything good right now.

We live in a "need to know culture". We are so smart these days and have so many resources that we know just about everything about everything. We are big fans of the show MythBusters and even we love to know for sure whether something is real or not. But, there are still some things that we will never fully understand, and I think that's OK. Not that trying to understand something isn't important.

Sometimes I think it's the journey toward understanding, that can bring us the greatest joy in that little thing called faith. I am thankful that the efforts made in the treatment of cancer have advanced so far that I have the best chance possible right now to beat this thing. But, I can't explain to my 9 year-old why I have it. But, maybe that's OK.

I could drive myself crazy with the question "why?" Or, I can bring myself closer to God with the response, "OK! Where do we go from here?" Whenever I can't fully explain something, I think about God - do I think that's a coincidence? Not really? I think that as much as we may know right now, it's that which we don't understand that reminds us of our need to have faith. A full understanding might not be seen right now, but I can trust that God is somewhere in the thick of it.

Someone recently made the comment that no two blades of grass are the same - I didn't know that. I had never given it any thought - I wonder if the Mythbusters could do a show on that? But, wow! Think about that for a minute (or a lifetime). Why would this be? I don't know and probably will never know, but it's pretty amazing. There must be a reason somewhere in God's grand design. I don't get it right now, but it leaves me in awe of His purpose for every part of Creation.

You would think, with as busy as God was while creating the Universe, it would have been easier to make all the grass the same, but he didn't. I can't explain why, but when I think about it, it makes me smile because it's just so awesome.

So, I'm sitting across the table from my 9 year-old son, and wondering what's the best way to answer his question, and I say, "Honey, I just don't know. But, thank God we have our faith to lead us through it." He nodded and went back to eating his dinner. I guess that was enough for him, for now.

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Running Late!

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

So, the experience of today has finally caught up with me. Certainly I have had my emotional breakdowns and my moments of frustration, but none have struck me like the experience I had yesterday...I was late for my chemo infusion. I know, in light of everything, this sounds ridiculous - But, this is me...

For those who know me well, I take great pride in my calendar; it is neat, organized, and reflective of a person who has some unnatural needs to be organized with my activities and schedules. I am also the person, who in college, would take notes in class and then return to my dorm to re-write all my notes over again in new notebooks - just so that they were perfectly neat. One of the "normal" experiences since my diagnosis has been my daily review of my very busy calendar.

My calendar today shows my doctor's appts, infusion dates, testing appts and all the various arrangements for the children: the girls in one direction and our son in another. I've had so many people offer to help with this part of the process, but it's the one thing that makes me feel like myself. And, up until now I've take great pride in the fact that everything has moved along rather smoothly, in an otherwise chaotic experience. That is until yesterday...

As we dropped the kids off at two different locations, and headed into my infusion, I ran through the day once more in my mind..."yes! everything is in place" Then, as I checked in at the oncology center promptly at 9:30am, the receptionist looked at me and said "we had you down for an 8:45am infusion". What! how could this be? She was so nice and said, "not to worry. I will just call upstairs and get them ready for you."

Again, I'm thinking "How could this be?" Knowing me well enough, Matt grabs my arm and says, "It's not a problem; don't worry about it" But, that's like telling a writer to not worry about a grammatical error or misspelled word in their work. I'm never late! I'm always on time! My highly, very neat, calendar always ensures that.

As the nurse readied me for my infusion: asking all the questions, inserting the line in my port, etc...I began to cry. In great kindness, the nurse reminded me that each time is stressful and that it's an anxious experience to come in for these infusions. I agreed with what she was saying, but I couldn't tell her that I was actually crying because I was late to the appointment. That would give her too much insight into my neurosis.

But, there I was face to face with that dreaded thought: my humanity. I have a lot going on, and even with all the planning and organizing, things don't always go according to plan.

Oh, what a lesson for life! We can do our best, feeling that all our bases are covered and than we find that we can't be completely in control, nor should we want to be. This little moment yesterday, gave me a lot to reflect on. So often we are looking for a great book, retreat, or spiritual talk to help lead us to a better understanding of ourselves. But, sometimes it is our daily reflections that show us the greatest opportunities in which to grow and become more closely connected with our spiritual energy.

Whenever I have moments like this, it reminds me that I need to still hand a little more over to God, Now, certainly God can't arrange childcare for my children (however, that has all gone along so smoothly, that I can't help but think that his hand is in that), but God can certainly help me better see the moments where I need to let go a little bit more.

Will this keep me from trying to keep my calendar organized and neat - probably not? But, I also want to make sure that I leave open places for God to interject his wisdom and guidance, which so often comes in the form of an unexpected phone call or visit from a friend. God is always presenting us with moments of grace, we just need to be open to them (and realize that they are rarely listed on our calendars).

Even in the midst of our really crazy, busy lives, we can find moments to put our pens and calendars down and look around. Out there...there are people, places and experiences that can grace our lives with inspiration!

What is on your "calendar"? In other words, what takes so much of your focus that you find it hard to slow down? Perhaps today, we can all decide to take a moment and change things up a bit for the purpose of slowing down and exploring the grace that abounds around us.

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Back in the Boat

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

I've written before about "getting in the boat." A group of women that I have the privilege of ministering to have often heard me talk about the trust that it takes to step on board. Oh, here we find ourselves back at that word, "trust."

The Celtic saints had a practice of setting out in coracles, small boats without oars, in complete trust. The idea is that God's will, in the form of water currents and wind, would lead them to the
"place of their resurrection." In other words, they would be led to the place God needed them to rise up and serve those who needed them most.

Can you imagine stepping in a boat without oars and settling wherever the wind and currents lead you? On top of that, can you see yourself then getting out of the boat on new shores ready to serve in God's name? Oh, back to the word "trust!" Did I already say this?

We are all faced with moment that bring us face to face with the opportunity to "get in the boat." Sometimes we feel rooted in a strength that allows us to step in without question. But, more often we've got one foot in and one foot out! This is a more familiar image for me. We want to get in and move forward in trust, but... WOW, that is so hard.

We want to see those shores that we will land on. We want to know how long we will be in this boat. We want to be assured that the sailing will be easy. These are our human demands, and we can't help but be governed by them. Or, can we?

Faith in the journey is fostered by first taking a step forward in trust. When we imagine ourselves getting in that boat and allowing God to lead us, it doesn't mean that we always feel completely confident and assured in our decision. But, rather, we step in and trust that wherever we are led, God will provide us with what we need to handle those shores. The more we practice, "getting in the boat" the more we will experience God's presence on our journey.

I've been led to some rocky shores lately. I would have preferred a nice, white sandy beach aside calm waters. But, there is something along the rocky shores that needs me. This is my statement of trust. This is the belief that helps me get in this boat and be led...not easy, I know. But, it is possible!

Are you being asked to climb aboard today? Can you trust that God will lead you to the shores that are meant for you? Can you put both feet in the boat?

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Letting Go!

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

Those of you who know me well, know that I love my schedule! When I was teaching, my favorite part of the year was getting all my supplies and filling in my calendar for the year. I loved planning my lessons and structuring my classes. I just love to be organized in my tasks. My family wishes I felt that way about my house, but we can't be good at everything now can we?

The closest I get to organizing now is filling in my datebook with my daily doctor's appointments and figuring out where the children will be from day to day. It's a little job in and of itself. But, it gives me a taste of that organization that I love so much.

So, here's the part where I need to just let go...Cancer is not the type of experience that makes you feel the least bit in control. Instead you feel at the mercy of others. There are so few moments to truly make choices, because most are made for you. The best I can do is choose what I will wear to chemo each day. A simple task, but I think my efforts are paying off because I receive nice compliments as I enter the infusion room each day!

What is God saying to me in the midst of all of this? I think he is saying "Let Go!" Let go of the expectations you have for the summer, for the start of school, for the way you think things should be going right now. I think God is, instead, saying let the moments unfold and let me create a new expectation for you: to just be in the midst of this struggle. So, the children's closets may not be organized before school starts; I may not be able to do all the things I like to do in preparation for a new school year. But, I am here!

I am fighting this disease, and moving forward with each challenge - this is a big lesson for me! When I could easily feel defeated, I remember that I have survived 3 months of chaos. And, that those 3 months of chaos have been lined with unbelievable grace and daily reminders of God's presence in my life!

Most importantly, I have survived the last 3 months without my calendar, without my schedules and without all my predetermined ideas about how things should be from day to day. I guess, I am learning that I need to hand myself over to God just a little bit more. I feel that each time I allow someone to do something for me, I am in many ways handing myself over to God, and saying: "I'm letting go!"

This is such a hard part of our human existence, but so necessary as we journey along our paths of faith. I have to begin each day with that prayer: "Let me be open to your will today!"

How do you feel about beginning your day with this prayer? Do you ever feel called by God to let go of some of your expectations and to just "be" in the moments of your day?

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

The Pail or the Water?

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

When I was 3, we traveled to Florida to visit my grandparents...



I recall the trip to a Target-like store, to choose a new bright red sand pail; I loved that pail! We packed our belongings and headed to the beach. As my parents watched, I played joyfully in the shallow water, filling and emptying my pail again and again, and again!

As the story goes...all of a sudden my dad saw a large wave rise up behind me, and in a moment - I was gone! My dad rushed to the water's edge and dove into the surf. As the water settled, there I stood...crying! My dad's heart was beating fast at the danger of that large wave on my three-year-old body; I was sobbing because I had lost my brand new pail.

Oh, to worry more about the pail than the water! In so many ways, this is the perfect metaphor for my current experience. At times I wish I could worry more about the hair loss, the nausea, the exhaustion...but, it is the cancer itself that feels like that giant wave approaching me, ready to carry me out to sea.

But, then there is God...not above or below the "water", but within it! So, as I feel at times as though that giant wave is coming, I know deep in my soul that God is in fact in that wave too. So, there is nothing to fear.

I don't think you need to have a serious illness to grapple with those fearful waves that creep up on us. They are the large life forces that knock us off our feet...sometimes it is our children, our finances, our jobs, our relationships, even our spirituality...there are so many experiences that can lead us to feel consumed by fear. But, we need to continually remind ourselves that God is within everything.

I know that doesn't eliminate our feelings of fear, but that knowledge can often helps us remember that we can stand up within the wave and be alright! Whenever I have a feeling of fear that creeps up, I try to remember the past times that I have felt fearful and how I "survived" it. Drawing on that past experience can give me strength in this current moment.

What is your "wave" today? Remember, that God is with you!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...