Gratitude

I saw this and had to share!  I think Tania's words say it all!  Take a moment and be grateful today! Enjoy, Susan

http://www.ted.com/talks/tania_luna_how_a_penny_made_me_feel_like_a_millionaire.html

Embracing Imperfection!

We grow spiritually much more by doing it wrong than by doing it right. That might just be the central message of how spiritual growth happens; yet nothing in us wants to believe it, and those who deem themselves “morally successful” are often the last to learn it.

If there is such a thing as human perfection, it seems to emerge precisely from how we handle the imperfection that is everywhere, especially our own. What a clever place for God to hide holiness, so that only the humble and earnest will find it! A “perfect” person ends up being one who can consciously forgive and include imperfection (like God does), rather than one who thinks he or she is totally above and beyond any imperfection.    - Richard Rohr in "Falling Upward"


As I read the words above from Franciscan Priest, Richard Rohr, I think "Oh, thank God! There's hope for me yet!"  I am trying to embrace my imperfections and look at them as a "clever place for God to hide holiness!"  

I wish there was an easy way to do that, but unfortunately our own humanness seems to be a "fastpass" to imperfection.  I just found myself in the midst of such a human moment as I ran through all of the things I need to do before the school year begins. As a teacher and mother of three young children, there's a lot on my "to do" list for August.  In fact, there is so much to do, that I found myself overcome as I washed dishes the other night.  

I could feel the emotions coming as I washed another glass (wondering why 5 people needed to use 12 classes in one day!)  As I washed the multitude of glassware, I felt myself feeling resentful that I needed to wash the dishes in the first place.  The broken dishwasher sits there on vacation while I wash and wash and wash. So, as I let the feelings of resentment enter into my moment, I began to let those feelings invite guests.  All of a sudden, it wasn't about washing dishes at all, it was about the laundry I had to do and the lesson plans I had write; it was the school supplies to buy and the paperwork to fill out; it was the house to clean; It was....................................................

Well, it was everything! And then they came...the tears.  What I initially started feeling (resentment over washing dishes) couldn't even be recognized.  To quote country singer Miranda Lambert (I know from Richard Rohr to Miranda Lambert!)  I had let the "crazy" in and allowed it to grow a life of it's own.

I know the emotion that makes me feel compassion for others and joy for life, is also the emotion that can take me down a very dark road.  I beat cancer for heaven's sake, am I really crying over washing dishes?  So, I have to STOP!  Stop for a minute and get back to the dishes!  In other words, remember what it was that first sparked the emotion and reclaim the path of imperfection.

I can't change my emotional make-up, nor would I!  It's what makes me who I am (who God created me to be!)  But, I can try to create balance in an otherwise unbalanced day!  When I feel myself feeling overwhelmed, I know that I need to STOP and reassess where that emotion is coming from.  Is it something I can do something about or do I need to accept the thing that makes me crazy and find peace with it.

Back to the other night.  So, on the 8th glass, my husband came up and said "would you like me to jump in here and finish?"  I guess watching his wife cry while washing dishes was too much for him to take.  Letting him help (and then of course the trip for ice cream with the kids after) was the STOP I needed.  I moment to step back and recognize that one of my imperfection is that I think I can do it all - and in that moment of imperfection - holiness stepped right in and took me for ice cream!

Stay Sane!

Susan

I'm Back!

Wow! It didn't take me too long, right?  

For those of you who are still here - it's like coming home!  I hope to keep writing and finding new ways to celebrate each and every day!

I am Cancer Free and the sky is the limit(actually there are no limits)!  I just had my four year check-up and things are awesome. Better yet, I feel awesome!  I

t's taken some time to find my way back to this blog, but for anyone still out there - I am still living my joyful journey!

Stay Posted!  The words are coming....

My love to all of you - Susan

Stepping Forward in Trust

It's been awhile, I know...But, I'm thrilled to step forward once again, in trust! thank you all for your support, prayers and love - We did it!

“Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever." - Isak Dinesen

The Celtic saints had a practice of setting out in coracles, small boats without oars, in complete trust. The idea is that God's will, in the form of water currents and wind, would lead them to the "place of their resurrection." In other words, they would be led to the place God needed them to rise up and serve those who needed them most.

Can you imagine stepping in a boat without oars and settling wherever the wind and currents lead you? On top of that, can you see yourself then getting out of the boat on new shores ready to serve in God's name?

We are all faced with moments that bring us face to face with the opportunity to "get in the boat." Sometimes we feel rooted in a strength that allows us to step in without question. More often we've got one foot in and one foot out! This is a more familiar image for me. We want to get in and move forward in trust, however... WOW, that is hard!

We want to see those shores that we will land on. We want to know how long we will be in this boat. We want to be assured that the sailing will be easy. These are our human demands, and we can't help but be governed by them. Or, can we?

Faith in the journey is fostered by first taking a step forward in trust. When we imagine ourselves getting in that boat and allowing God to lead us, it doesn't mean that we always feel completely confident and assured in our decision. Rather, we step in and trust that wherever we are led, God will provide us with what we need to handle those shores. The more we practice, "getting in the boat" the more we will experience God's presence on our journey.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I felt that I had been led to some rocky shores. I would have preferred a nice, white sandy beach aside calm waters. But, there is something along the rocky shores that needs me. This is my statement of trust. This is the belief that helps me get in this boat and be led...not easy, I know. The impossible is possible!

Probably the most difficult part of this journey is the fear that accompanies new terrain. The most repeated phrase in all of scripture is “be not afraid.” I don’t think this is a coincidence. God knows that our human nature is to fear. In one of my darkest moments along my journey with cancer, I could taste fear. I remember a night when I was up unable to sleep. I stared at a picture of my husband and three children. I thought about what my doctors had told me: 4 surgeries, 16 rounds of chemo, 28 days of radiation therapy and ten years of daily medications – and that was if everything went smoothly. The fear that ran through my body paralyzed me in that moment.

I went to the computer and read messages left for me on a Caringbridge website that a friend had created for me. With each message, I felt a bit of strength piercing through the fear. Next, I went to my email to respond to some messages. As I looked through my mail, a new message showed up in my inbox. It was 2am and my friend was emailing me. I emailed her back and said, “are you really up and emailing me or is this a delayed message?” I received a message back that said, “Call me on my cell phone.” That began an hour-long conversation that lessened the fear enough for me to get some sleep.

Sometimes fear is only relieved by the presence of others. There is a reason why community is so important in this life. When we can’t find the words or the strength to help ourselves, others can hold us up until we can. My fear didn’t completely go away. In fact, living with cancer means that fear will always poke its’ head in every now and then. I can move forward in trust because I can look back and know that in previous moments when I felt fear, I was ok. In these moments, I can open myself to those around me and say, “Will you walk with me in this moment?”

Are you being asked to climb aboard today? Can you trust that God will lead you to the shores that are meant for you? Can you put both feet in the boat?

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Diving Into our Day!

(image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

A couple of years ago, we took the kids for their first visit to one of my greatest inspirations: the ocean! As our friends drove us from the airport to their home, they stopped by a beach area to show the kids the massive body of water that just instantly captures your heart. The children were in awe! They left the car, ran to the ocean's edge and ran right in, clothes and all! This is one of the most vivid and joyful memories I have with my children.

As a parent, it is a great privilege to "experience" life with my children. Their total abandonment in that moment at the ocean was something I envied. As a child, I too use to run to the ocean or our hometown lake and just jump in without giving it a second thought. But, now as an adult (a reasoning adult) I feel compelled to "test" the water before entering into it. I'm not sure when this change took place, but I know that it is a part of what happens to us as we approach events in our lives as adults.

We think everything through, weigh the advantages and disadvantages, consider all the options and then (if you're like me) you make a list of possible actions. Sounds so boring and just what I thought adults were like when I was a kid. But, now I'm an adult and I'm doing these exact same things.

I'm not saying that there aren't moments that require thought and prayer before making a decision, but I think there has to be some middle place where we still allow ourselves the ability to "abandon ourselves to experiences" - "reclaim our childhood enthusiasm for life". Granted our children don't have mortgages to worry about, cars to be repaired or christmas preparations to make amidst all the other responsibilities of life. But, thank God they don't. Because their joy and openness to all that is glorious in life is more abundant with the absence of distraction. Their ability to love life is a constant reminder to me that I still have that in me too - it just takes a certain level of awareness to bring it to the surface.

During that initial trip to the ocean, I stood in the water (testing the temperature and considering whether or not to fully immerse myself) when a young woman of 20 appeared beside me. She said hello and we struck up a conversation. She asked if she could stand with me... she loved the ocean, but was nervous to go in by herself. I assured her that I would be happy to stand with her (it would give me another excuse to just stand in the water awhile longer).

As she spoke, I learned that she was working through an addiction to alcohol and came to the ocean's edge as part of her journey toward health. She said, "I don't know why, but being here makes me feel connected to something bigger than myself." That's the gift and inspiration born out of standing amidst the water!

She was learning to step back into the water, little by little, asking for help along the way. I was glad to be her support in that moment (a moment that I do not believe was coincidental, for she was support to me too!). After she said, "thank you" and walked back out of the water, I first realized that for the past 30 minutes I had stood next to this very attractive 20 year-old in a bikini, while I stood in my 38 year-old body which now required a swim dress. I giggled at the wonderful reality of myself and then dove into the water.

Sometimes we need to just dive into the water, Or, better yet, dive into our lives...giving moments thought when they really need them and then abandoning ourselves to the experiences, whether they show up on our lists or not. I didn't have that encounter with that young woman in the water on my list that day, but I gathered such inspiration and grace from that moment; in fact, I think about her quite often. I guess sometimes, the things that are not on our list are the most important events of our day!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

The Morning of...

(photo compliments of Matt Major)

I sit here on the morning of my last chemotherapy treatment, with my coffee in hand (something I enjoy that has not been off limits during my treatment - little blessings!) It's early and everyone else is asleep. But, I sit here amazed that this day has arrived.

Six months ago, arriving at this day seemed like an insurmountable peak (but, I knew I would do it!)

When they told me that I had a blood clot in my lung, this day seemed quite possibly unreachable (but I knew I could do it!)

When they told me that the results of my blood work would prevent me from receiving treatment one week, this day seemed to get further away (but, I knew I would eventually reach it!)

When they told me that they thought the cancer has already spread and I waited to hear results, I forgot about this day altogether (but, I knew I would get here!)

And, although I still wait for more test results and phone calls from doctors to tell me bits and pieces of what my future may hold, I know how special this day truly is!

You see, through all of the uncertainty, there has been one constant - community! We never travel these rocky paths alone. Although I have been removed from most of my normal community throughout my treatment, I have still felt the strength of many. Through cards, messages on my caring bridge site and phone calls, the spirit of community has thrived in this time of isolation.

And at the center of my experience of community have been a group of nurses, doctors and technicians who have lined my path with hope, compassion and humor. For those who know me best, you know I spent yesterday writing more than a dozen letters to all those in the infusion room. As much as I never want to walk into that infusion room again, I will miss these "angels" that have been such a significant part of my journey to this day.

It makes me think of all those who have traveled throughout salvation history...although at times people step apart for reflection and prayer (sometimes by choice and sometimes not), they always return to community. For it is in community, that we see most clearly the manifestation of God's grace in so many varied ways.

Who in your "community" is a reflection of God's grace? Who reminds you of the importance of humor in this life? Who, with just a moment in their presence, gives you the gift of joy? Perhaps that person in your life needs to know this!

Now, for whom are YOU these things? We all have a purpose in our "community" - someone depends on YOU for a reminder of the goodness in this life! Perhaps You need to know this!

Yes, this day seemed so far away back in May. Yet, here it is and I will celebrate its' arrival; that is until I am knocked out by the chemo drugs later on this morning. But, when I come to again, I will give thanks for seeing this day arrive.

I know I will then need to look ahead to the next phase of treatment, but I will look down that road and know that I can do it!

Have a blessed day and until next time, we take a sacred pause...

I Don't Know My Own Strength!

(image compliments of Matt Major)

On Sunday, I sat down with my calendar to compile a list of appointment dates since my diagnosis - I wasn't doing this just for fun,but rather as a precursor to our 2009 taxes, which will apparently also reflect my journey with cancer.

As I started to tally dr. appts, lab work, scans, testing, infusions, I realized that later today when I enter the infusion room, I will complete my 80th appt. I had to stop for a minute and take a deep breath. Unlike a supermarket contest, I don't think I will be winning a free cart of groceries when I reach 100 visits. But, I believe today I am winning a greater understanding of my own strength.

If back in May, the doctors had said, "you have breast cancer and over the next 6 months you will be going to 80 appts, scans, tests, infusions..." I could never have done it. The mountain would have seemed insurmountable. But, here I am about to walk into my 80th appointment.

I think this is the reason that our lives are not shown in fulfillment to us at the beginning; it might seem like too much to journey through. However, over the course of our lives, as we look back we see strength in ourselves that surprises us. Then, as we face new challenges we have the gift of our experiences to draw on for strength.

Whether we feel that the day with our kids has been too much; our jobs are too overwhelming or an illness is beating us down, we only have to look at all we have come through and where we have been to see that we are stronger than we think we are. We have to remind ourselves of this daily.

I have a bookmark that says, "the will of God will not lead you where the grace of God cannot keep you." I have certainly found this to be true. We have remarkable strength within us, that I think is placed in us at the time of our birth - we only to remind ourselves of this when we feel the climb of our present moment is too daunting.

You can do it! I can do it! And we know this because of where we have been and because the strength we need is resting within us. We only need to summon it to the surface of our present challenge.

Summon up your strength and believe that you are stronger than that which you face!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Falling Into My Life!

(image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

I remember listening to a talk by Father Richard Rohr in which he made the statement, "Don't push the river!" That statement has resonated with me on so many occasions, but probably none more that right now.

The premise of this idea (don't push the river) is that our lives have a current all their own. I don't have the ability to change all that happens in my life, but I do have the ability to choose how I respond to that which occurs in my life. When I spend my energy trying to change that which cannot be changed, I am pushing the river. This doesn't mean that I have to sit back and do nothing in the face of challenge, but instead I have to put my energy in my response to the events and people around me.

This weekend, as I await news on more tests, I can say that I want nothing more than to "push the river." I would love to know that this cancer will be gone after the radiation next year. I would love to be assured that I will be cancer-free 10 years from now. I can't know that these statements are true, but I can live as though they are. Living as though they are true statements changes everything about how I approach my day.

In so many ways, this is about falling into my life! The reality of where I am, is where I am. Once I accept that reality, I can then look to how I am responding to the truth of my life. This can allow me to make changes within my control and affect how I choose to respond to that which is out of my control.

Some may say that amidst our challenges is not the time to fall into our lives; but, I think that the toughest of times is exactly the time to fall into our lives. When I begin to accept that where I am is where I am, I can begin the process of not letting the challenge itself define me. Instead, I can let how I respond to that challenge begin to shine light on who I am.

It's certainly easier to be at the center of God in my life, when I'm healthy and free of challenge, but I don't think it's quite as telling as trying to reside at the center with God in the midst of this challenge. So, I and all those struggling with challenge in their lives (and who among us is not challenged in some way?) can look at these moments as opportunities to fall into our lives. We can look at these moments as opportunities to challenge ourselves to look more deeply into what or who governs our choices!

I am so thankful for my faith. I'm not the best example of one who walks with God; I have my moments of walking in worry and fear; but, I see the opportunity to choose how I respond to the events around me, and in that I feel a great grace!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Living with Purpose!

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}


Yesterday I sat down with my girls and watched Disney's The Rescuers. It's a sweet movie about two tiny unassuming mice, who are commissioned to go forth and rescue a little girl in trouble. I particularly appreciated the little mouse from Hungary who always donned a matching hat and wrap! Even in the swaps of the bayou, she was looking stylish!

At the moment in the film, when the mice finally reach the little girl and tell her they are there to rescue her, my 6 year-old, Anna, said, "oh my goodness, I'm crying!" And there, on her tiny little face were a stream of tears. The funny thing was...I was crying too! We both started laughing and I said, "Oh, Anna...God gave us the gift of compassion and it just oozes out everywhere!"

I can't help the fact that I cry at every episode of America's Home Makeover or that darn Folger's coffee commercial they play every December - the one where the eldest son returns home on Christmas Eve, just in time to surprise his family! My inability to control the tears in these moments, drives me crazy and yet, I recognize that God gave me all my personality traits (the normal and the quirky), gifts and talents for a reason.

But, instead of looking at ourselves as gift, we more often look at ourselves and shake our heads. There are things about myself that drive me crazy, but I see that in many ways those things have helped serve me in the most peculiar ways. So, I don't want to overlook even the most mundane parts of myself. Everything is for purpose!

I remember talking to someone once about her child's desire to always be right. She was concerned that her daughter would go through life alienating people with her need to prove that she was always right. I too have a child that likes to be right about everything, so I understood her concern. But, I also said "What if that part of their personality was given to them for a reason and we squashed it? What if we headed them in the right direction and fostered this part of their personality in a healthy way?" Perhaps these two children will grow up to stand up for the less fortunate, for an injustice or for those who don't have a voice, because they know that it is "right!" It's all in what you do with it, that makes the difference!

I think we need to sometimes see the possibility in even that which drives us nuts about ourselves. Part of the gift of these journeys we are on, is the ability to continue to grow! We have to foster and direct ourselves in a healthy way, to a clearer understanding of the gift that we are in this life! Then we can begin to see how we are designed to serve in this life!

Don't sell yourself short too soon! God placed you in this life for purpose and you have the gifts and talents (and, yes, personality traits) to live in fullness of that purpose everyday! Go to it!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Reclaiming our Well Experiences!

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

By nature I am a conversationalist; I love to "visit" with people. My mom used to say that she loved taking car trips with me, because I would talk the whole way and it made the trip go by that much quicker. But, even with a love for conversing, I have to always stop and ask myself if I'm really listening to the people around me.

I think the pace of our lives adds to the difficulty we face in really listening to those around us. I don't mean just hearing the words coming out of another's mouth, although that's an important part of it. But, rather, I mean really listening to what the spirit of another is saying to us.

When we are left to e-mail short messages or make quick calls on our cell phones, we recognize that our lives are often pulling us along and it can be difficult to really enter into the meaning that is shared around us. I got laughing the other day when a friend talked about eating pizza in the car while the kids changed into practice clothes for a soccer game. I laughed because we've all been there in some way or another. So what can we do? I like to start by asking myself an important question:

How well am I "tapped into" those around me? What can I better understand about their words, when I consider the layers underneath those words? When someone in my life is speaking to me, am I really present to them or am I looking at them while my mind rests someplace else? There is such opportunity to grow spiritually when we open ourselves up to those around us.

I like to call them "Well Experiences!" Historically women would gather at the well, and it was here where they would learn about the needs, experiences, joys and sorrows of the families around them. It's hard for us to grasp these "well experiences" in our busy lives. But, it's not impossible.

Let's try a little experiment: spend one day putting aside what we feel we "have to do" and remain open to the people we come across on the street, in the store, at school or at home. Now, of course there are things we need to do; our kids need to be fed, dressed and taken to activities; we need to get to work and think about dinner. But, even with all the necessary responsibility, there is still time to "go with the flow" a little bit. Listen to the people who are speaking around you, and consider how those moments can enrich your life.


The majority of time, it has nothing to do with the actual words that are used, but rather the honesty with which our words are delivered.

Since my illness, many people have commented that it's hard to know what to say. I agree, it is hard to know what to say to these challenges. Sometimes moments or experiences seem to transcend words that we are usually comfortable using; but, it matters less "what is said" and more that an emotion is shared. So, just in saying, "I don't know what to say," the most important words are spoken - because they are honest.

Probably one of the greatest gifts of this cancer is the opportunity to stop and really hear the words of the people around me. It's a fascinating moment when a "talker" begins to really listen. What I hear on a daily basis fills me with the kind of inspiration and joy that can even lift one out of a very dark moment in time.


Although my walk with cancer has gifted me with a growth in this awareness, one does not have to have cancer to begin the process of embracing the "well experiences" of his or her day. One only has to make a choice to stop, listen and respond in hope and honesty to those whose paths cross their own.


What will your next "well experience" be like? Will you recognize it?



Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Finding the Words!

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

We were sitting having dinner when all of a sudden my 9 year-old says, "Mom, why did cancer even start?"

My reasoning mind wants to explain that there is this gene in our family that has been passed down, and that this gene led me to have cancer. But, that's scary for a child - I know he will begin to wonder, "do I have this gene?" He doesn't need to worry about this now. I could make something up, but I'm too tired to think of anything good right now.

We live in a "need to know culture". We are so smart these days and have so many resources that we know just about everything about everything. We are big fans of the show MythBusters and even we love to know for sure whether something is real or not. But, there are still some things that we will never fully understand, and I think that's OK. Not that trying to understand something isn't important.

Sometimes I think it's the journey toward understanding, that can bring us the greatest joy in that little thing called faith. I am thankful that the efforts made in the treatment of cancer have advanced so far that I have the best chance possible right now to beat this thing. But, I can't explain to my 9 year-old why I have it. But, maybe that's OK.

I could drive myself crazy with the question "why?" Or, I can bring myself closer to God with the response, "OK! Where do we go from here?" Whenever I can't fully explain something, I think about God - do I think that's a coincidence? Not really? I think that as much as we may know right now, it's that which we don't understand that reminds us of our need to have faith. A full understanding might not be seen right now, but I can trust that God is somewhere in the thick of it.

Someone recently made the comment that no two blades of grass are the same - I didn't know that. I had never given it any thought - I wonder if the Mythbusters could do a show on that? But, wow! Think about that for a minute (or a lifetime). Why would this be? I don't know and probably will never know, but it's pretty amazing. There must be a reason somewhere in God's grand design. I don't get it right now, but it leaves me in awe of His purpose for every part of Creation.

You would think, with as busy as God was while creating the Universe, it would have been easier to make all the grass the same, but he didn't. I can't explain why, but when I think about it, it makes me smile because it's just so awesome.

So, I'm sitting across the table from my 9 year-old son, and wondering what's the best way to answer his question, and I say, "Honey, I just don't know. But, thank God we have our faith to lead us through it." He nodded and went back to eating his dinner. I guess that was enough for him, for now.

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Running Late!

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

So, the experience of today has finally caught up with me. Certainly I have had my emotional breakdowns and my moments of frustration, but none have struck me like the experience I had yesterday...I was late for my chemo infusion. I know, in light of everything, this sounds ridiculous - But, this is me...

For those who know me well, I take great pride in my calendar; it is neat, organized, and reflective of a person who has some unnatural needs to be organized with my activities and schedules. I am also the person, who in college, would take notes in class and then return to my dorm to re-write all my notes over again in new notebooks - just so that they were perfectly neat. One of the "normal" experiences since my diagnosis has been my daily review of my very busy calendar.

My calendar today shows my doctor's appts, infusion dates, testing appts and all the various arrangements for the children: the girls in one direction and our son in another. I've had so many people offer to help with this part of the process, but it's the one thing that makes me feel like myself. And, up until now I've take great pride in the fact that everything has moved along rather smoothly, in an otherwise chaotic experience. That is until yesterday...

As we dropped the kids off at two different locations, and headed into my infusion, I ran through the day once more in my mind..."yes! everything is in place" Then, as I checked in at the oncology center promptly at 9:30am, the receptionist looked at me and said "we had you down for an 8:45am infusion". What! how could this be? She was so nice and said, "not to worry. I will just call upstairs and get them ready for you."

Again, I'm thinking "How could this be?" Knowing me well enough, Matt grabs my arm and says, "It's not a problem; don't worry about it" But, that's like telling a writer to not worry about a grammatical error or misspelled word in their work. I'm never late! I'm always on time! My highly, very neat, calendar always ensures that.

As the nurse readied me for my infusion: asking all the questions, inserting the line in my port, etc...I began to cry. In great kindness, the nurse reminded me that each time is stressful and that it's an anxious experience to come in for these infusions. I agreed with what she was saying, but I couldn't tell her that I was actually crying because I was late to the appointment. That would give her too much insight into my neurosis.

But, there I was face to face with that dreaded thought: my humanity. I have a lot going on, and even with all the planning and organizing, things don't always go according to plan.

Oh, what a lesson for life! We can do our best, feeling that all our bases are covered and than we find that we can't be completely in control, nor should we want to be. This little moment yesterday, gave me a lot to reflect on. So often we are looking for a great book, retreat, or spiritual talk to help lead us to a better understanding of ourselves. But, sometimes it is our daily reflections that show us the greatest opportunities in which to grow and become more closely connected with our spiritual energy.

Whenever I have moments like this, it reminds me that I need to still hand a little more over to God, Now, certainly God can't arrange childcare for my children (however, that has all gone along so smoothly, that I can't help but think that his hand is in that), but God can certainly help me better see the moments where I need to let go a little bit more.

Will this keep me from trying to keep my calendar organized and neat - probably not? But, I also want to make sure that I leave open places for God to interject his wisdom and guidance, which so often comes in the form of an unexpected phone call or visit from a friend. God is always presenting us with moments of grace, we just need to be open to them (and realize that they are rarely listed on our calendars).

Even in the midst of our really crazy, busy lives, we can find moments to put our pens and calendars down and look around. Out there...there are people, places and experiences that can grace our lives with inspiration!

What is on your "calendar"? In other words, what takes so much of your focus that you find it hard to slow down? Perhaps today, we can all decide to take a moment and change things up a bit for the purpose of slowing down and exploring the grace that abounds around us.

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Back in the Boat

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

I've written before about "getting in the boat." A group of women that I have the privilege of ministering to have often heard me talk about the trust that it takes to step on board. Oh, here we find ourselves back at that word, "trust."

The Celtic saints had a practice of setting out in coracles, small boats without oars, in complete trust. The idea is that God's will, in the form of water currents and wind, would lead them to the
"place of their resurrection." In other words, they would be led to the place God needed them to rise up and serve those who needed them most.

Can you imagine stepping in a boat without oars and settling wherever the wind and currents lead you? On top of that, can you see yourself then getting out of the boat on new shores ready to serve in God's name? Oh, back to the word "trust!" Did I already say this?

We are all faced with moment that bring us face to face with the opportunity to "get in the boat." Sometimes we feel rooted in a strength that allows us to step in without question. But, more often we've got one foot in and one foot out! This is a more familiar image for me. We want to get in and move forward in trust, but... WOW, that is so hard.

We want to see those shores that we will land on. We want to know how long we will be in this boat. We want to be assured that the sailing will be easy. These are our human demands, and we can't help but be governed by them. Or, can we?

Faith in the journey is fostered by first taking a step forward in trust. When we imagine ourselves getting in that boat and allowing God to lead us, it doesn't mean that we always feel completely confident and assured in our decision. But, rather, we step in and trust that wherever we are led, God will provide us with what we need to handle those shores. The more we practice, "getting in the boat" the more we will experience God's presence on our journey.

I've been led to some rocky shores lately. I would have preferred a nice, white sandy beach aside calm waters. But, there is something along the rocky shores that needs me. This is my statement of trust. This is the belief that helps me get in this boat and be led...not easy, I know. But, it is possible!

Are you being asked to climb aboard today? Can you trust that God will lead you to the shores that are meant for you? Can you put both feet in the boat?

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Letting Go!

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

Those of you who know me well, know that I love my schedule! When I was teaching, my favorite part of the year was getting all my supplies and filling in my calendar for the year. I loved planning my lessons and structuring my classes. I just love to be organized in my tasks. My family wishes I felt that way about my house, but we can't be good at everything now can we?

The closest I get to organizing now is filling in my datebook with my daily doctor's appointments and figuring out where the children will be from day to day. It's a little job in and of itself. But, it gives me a taste of that organization that I love so much.

So, here's the part where I need to just let go...Cancer is not the type of experience that makes you feel the least bit in control. Instead you feel at the mercy of others. There are so few moments to truly make choices, because most are made for you. The best I can do is choose what I will wear to chemo each day. A simple task, but I think my efforts are paying off because I receive nice compliments as I enter the infusion room each day!

What is God saying to me in the midst of all of this? I think he is saying "Let Go!" Let go of the expectations you have for the summer, for the start of school, for the way you think things should be going right now. I think God is, instead, saying let the moments unfold and let me create a new expectation for you: to just be in the midst of this struggle. So, the children's closets may not be organized before school starts; I may not be able to do all the things I like to do in preparation for a new school year. But, I am here!

I am fighting this disease, and moving forward with each challenge - this is a big lesson for me! When I could easily feel defeated, I remember that I have survived 3 months of chaos. And, that those 3 months of chaos have been lined with unbelievable grace and daily reminders of God's presence in my life!

Most importantly, I have survived the last 3 months without my calendar, without my schedules and without all my predetermined ideas about how things should be from day to day. I guess, I am learning that I need to hand myself over to God just a little bit more. I feel that each time I allow someone to do something for me, I am in many ways handing myself over to God, and saying: "I'm letting go!"

This is such a hard part of our human existence, but so necessary as we journey along our paths of faith. I have to begin each day with that prayer: "Let me be open to your will today!"

How do you feel about beginning your day with this prayer? Do you ever feel called by God to let go of some of your expectations and to just "be" in the moments of your day?

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

The Pail or the Water?

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

When I was 3, we traveled to Florida to visit my grandparents...



I recall the trip to a Target-like store, to choose a new bright red sand pail; I loved that pail! We packed our belongings and headed to the beach. As my parents watched, I played joyfully in the shallow water, filling and emptying my pail again and again, and again!

As the story goes...all of a sudden my dad saw a large wave rise up behind me, and in a moment - I was gone! My dad rushed to the water's edge and dove into the surf. As the water settled, there I stood...crying! My dad's heart was beating fast at the danger of that large wave on my three-year-old body; I was sobbing because I had lost my brand new pail.

Oh, to worry more about the pail than the water! In so many ways, this is the perfect metaphor for my current experience. At times I wish I could worry more about the hair loss, the nausea, the exhaustion...but, it is the cancer itself that feels like that giant wave approaching me, ready to carry me out to sea.

But, then there is God...not above or below the "water", but within it! So, as I feel at times as though that giant wave is coming, I know deep in my soul that God is in fact in that wave too. So, there is nothing to fear.

I don't think you need to have a serious illness to grapple with those fearful waves that creep up on us. They are the large life forces that knock us off our feet...sometimes it is our children, our finances, our jobs, our relationships, even our spirituality...there are so many experiences that can lead us to feel consumed by fear. But, we need to continually remind ourselves that God is within everything.

I know that doesn't eliminate our feelings of fear, but that knowledge can often helps us remember that we can stand up within the wave and be alright! Whenever I have a feeling of fear that creeps up, I try to remember the past times that I have felt fearful and how I "survived" it. Drawing on that past experience can give me strength in this current moment.

What is your "wave" today? Remember, that God is with you!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

A New Path!

I wasn't expecting to begin writing again in the midst of my walk with cancer. But, I don't think we can ever truly know when God will see fit to inspire us to weave together our words. Apparently, this is my time to begin to do that...

I took a break from this blog because, as many of you know, on May 15th I was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer. My dear friend Shelly left a post below that gives a link to the caring bridge page that my husband is maintaining. I know that will continue to be the avenue through which people can stay up-to-date on my physical journey.

My hope is that this may be a place for people to stay up-to-date on my spiritual journey. This process may be more for me than anyone else, but I have always believed that when I feel inspired to write...it is... in many ways, God's way of teaching me something...and...when we hold inspiration, it should always be shared.

I know that this journey I am on is frightening, frustrating and unsettling. So, it might seem funny to say I feel abundantly blessed. But, I do! We have been surrounded by a kindness that transcends any previous understanding of the word.

I think in our "ordinary" days, we see glimpses of the sacred gifts in our lives.

But, we have truly been enveloped in sacred gifts from the moment we heard. I have been "held" in so many ways by sacred words and gestures. At times I truly feel carried along by the stream of prayers and support that seem to extend me beyond this moment in time. I've had my moments, not so much of anger (I'm not so prone to that emotion), but rather to worry and tears (I've mastered these!).

As I began chemotherapy, I knew that the two concerns would be the side effects of the drugs (the possibility of dehydration and fever.) I've had them both, and as I have sat in desert moments physically and emotionally these past few weeks, I still have felt the grace of God. But, the only reason I have felt that is because of the presence of people around me, and their willingness to walk with me in this time.

I think this is the greatest lesson of all experiences: When we open ourselves up to those around us and share our stories, the sacred flourishes!

The community that I live in is amazing. But, I believe that every community has the possibility of being as amazing as mine. The key is sharing in the journeys of those around you. When we sit idle, we run the risk of stalling the sacred.

Of course when someone has a serious illness there is a natural impulse to want to do something. But, in every experience of our lives, we can be called to do something, to share something, to want to be a "part of something", rather than separate from it. What is it in your life that is calling you to be a part of it?

Sometimes we think it has to be a grand gesture, but it doesn't...the simplest action can often breed the most profound emotions.

Be a part of your day today!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

a blog break...

Susan will be taking what we all hope is a very short blog break while she tends to her health, herself and her family. Please keep her in your prayers & thoughts. In the meantime... please visit Susan's care page for updates on her health and recovery...

and be sure to leave her a note of well wishes!

Transformative Breath!

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

I remember once reading about an astronaut’s view of Earth from Space...

As he viewed the Earth from his unique vantage point, the astronaut was able to cover the earth with his thumb. In that moment his perspective was changed. This big, glorious planet was covered by his thumb. His view went from “me” to “the universe.” As he took breath, he realized that every breath was purposeful for not just himself, but everyone around him. Sometimes we need a shift in our perspective in order to recognize that our lives are less about the individual and more about the community as a whole.

Everything that I do and say has a consequence for the whole of my community. It is for this reason that I need to think of myself as someone in a constant state of transformation. I have to trust that my breath can be transformative, if I allow it to be.

St. Paul’s breath was transformative breath. He took his experience and allowed it to change the course of life around him; we are still feeling the affects of that choice today.

We so often only grasp a glimpse of a new experience. We may feel that the experience is amazing and it makes us feel renewed or affirmed. But, does it change us in any way? We breathe not to remain the same, but to transform ourselves into who we are in the name of God. If I learn something about myself through moments with a spiritual director or soul friend, does my life change at all because of it? Or, do I fall into the trap of comfortable mediocrity?

What would our experiences in faith be like today if Paul had not allowed his breath to transform his life? If he had said, “I realize the error in my ways and I will spend the rest of days in solitude weeping for the mistakes I have made,” where would those who benefited from Paul’s transformative breath have gone? This is what happens when we think that nothing can change, or that we don’t have purpose in this life.

When we invite breath in and release it with a willingness to change what that breath will do for us in the next moment, that breath becomes nourishment for others. That breath reflects God’s will which is always infectious! Paul was spiritually required to do something with his new breath, and we must do something with our new breath!

As we continue on with our faith journeys, let us hope that each life-giving experience leaves a mark of inspiration that can motivate us forward and be shared with all those who cross our paths.

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

What are you Preparing for?

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

I need to apologize for not updating this blog as quickly as I would have liked to. This has been a challenging 6 weeks. But, with all challenges comes a sense of determination and persepective. I'm pleased to share my insights with you in this post.....

Finding our place in this life can make us feel as though we are training for the Olympics: we need to focus all our attention on our training, hire a couple of coaches, watch review tapes of our performance, check out our competition and continually ask ourselves, “is this worth it?”

When we work to live as, what Thomas Merton would call our “true self”, it does require a certain amount of attention and dedication; but, ultimately our efforts are less work than trying to live as someone we are not. Living authentically is not about living perfectly, but it is about living with purpose and in direct line with our deepest beliefs and joys.

So, to begin: what are your deepest beliefs and joys? When you define your beliefs, are they reflected in your daily living? If so, how will you maintain that path? If there is a conflict between what you believe and your daily words and actions, what is the first step to aligning these two things?

One of the stories from scripture that I sit with the most is the story of Moses. We know the general story of a baby in a basket, being rescued by a princess and ultimately being led back to his people, whom he was destined to lead out of slavery. But, at the heart of this sacred story is a message about living an authentic life.

For quite some time Moses was separated from his “true path”; it didn’t mean that he was miserable in his life. In fact, he had a pretty comfortable existence in that palace. But what we sense from his story is an underlining need to head down a path that, at his very core, felt like the place God wanted him to be.

Moses is called out of the place he is and is invited back to his true self; the person God created him to be. Now, you would think that an invitation from God like this would summon up great courage in Moses; instead, Moses gave five hearty excuses for staying where he was. However, the call of God was so strong in him that he could not help but follow the path that was placed before him.

What is interesting, I think, about this path that God has designed for us, is that it is ever-changing. When I was teaching high school students how to write and understand literature better, I felt very much in the place God had prepared for me. However, after I had my first child, I felt that a very different direction had revealed itself to me. I don’t think that these were, in fact, two different paths; I think they were steps leading me to another place. Our challenge is being open to the possibilities God places around us!

For Moses, his time within the walls of the Pharaoh’s palace are not unlike my time in teaching, or your time now: these are steps along our journeys of faith. They have purpose, and they are significant in the “waiting” we do along our journeys of faith. Interestingly enough, I don’t think that waiting is a passive experience. I think that as we wait along our paths of faith, we are actively embracing those moments.

As we do this, we are being prepared for the moments when we open up to the possibilities around us and, only then, can we be ready to enter into the fullness of our authentic life. It takes a lot of trust to “wait” in our faith journeys. But, in many ways we are like Moses whose time with the Pharaoh was a time of waiting… of preparing.

What are you preparing for? How do you wait?

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...

Sacred Gifts!

{image from Ms Ladyred's flickr site}

When we begin to think about our purpose in God’s world, we are often overwhelmed!

• “Am I living out God’s will in my life?”

• “What if I miss a sign from God?”

• “Am I too late?” The questions, oh the questions!

I often think that when I struggle with something, on the other side of that struggle is God saying, “Hang on, Susan….there’s a lesson and purpose in the midst of this, and growth on the other side of this moment.” But, believing that God is saying this to me and living out of this belief are two completely different things.

The sacred purpose of our lives is never simple. What I think we would like is for God to install a PA (public address) System in the Universe; something that would sound off at just the right moment to tell us that, “Yes! This is the next step you should take.”

But, God is rarely found in the obvious, and I think there is a reason for this. For it is in the subtle movements of life, that we often find the greatest of God’s inspiration.

The subtle experiences of our life often are the things we pass over (or fight against), but that hold such significance for us on our journeys of faith. At the heart of these subtleties are our own Sacred Gifts. How often do we ignore our ability to comfort a friend, or listen without judgment? Do you find internal joy when you draw, paint, sing, garden, or dance? Do you feel giddy when you organize a room or an activity? These may seem so menial, but they are in fact at the heart of God’s message to us.

You see, I believe that in God’s grand design, he created us with amazing traits, talents and abilities to help us experience joy in this life. When I talk about Sacred Gifts, I’m not necessarily talking about mere physical talent. For example, someone could be an extraordinary tennis player or gymnast. But, if that doesn’t bring that individual joy, I have a hard time naming it as a Sacred Gift.

It may have been an interest that a parent or friend fostered in the life of that individual; but, a Sacred Gift is something that is given to us with the intent of bringing us joy. If we don’t know what those are, we need to start exploring them.

Begin with a list...what are the talents, traits and abilities that bring you joy? Remember, it's not about being "great" at something, it's about identifying the things that naturally bring us joy.

Among this list, ask yourself: what are the experiences, places and people that help you best honor these Sacred Gifts?

Today, choose to honor your Sacred Gifts in some small way. If I have the gift of compassion, choose to cuddle with your children or spouse tonight. If you have the gift of hospitality, prepare the space in which you sleep with something beautiful and inspiring.

How you define your Sacred Gifts is up to you. But, begin to define them - your life is waiting!

Until next time, we take a sacred pause...